[freya]

....do the best I could.

"I did the best I could at the time." This is one program adage that I've always really had a problem with -- especially when it's applied universally and indiscriminately. And it's one that I've always strongly resisted applying to myself in the majority of situations. Sure, there have been times when I really didn't have the knowledge I needed to do better and, even though what I did at the time might not have been good or right or effective, it truly was the best I could do at that time.

But, far more often then not, the truth is that, when I've made "mistakes," I've made them because I wasn't willing to accept something that I had every opportunity to "know" was the truth and/or reality; or I had enough knowledge to at least have a good idea that I needed to know more, but I chose to act (or not to act) without getting that additional knowledge; and/or I knew perfectly well that a certain action/behavior was somehow less than ideal, and I did it anyway out of fear and/or laziness and/or selfishness.

So, anyways, for me personally, it's always been very important not to justify or excuse these kinds of things with the "I did the best I could" line, because, no, really, I didn't.

Well, last week for the first time this came up with a sponsee. She's a relatively new sponsee who was actually referred to me by her AA sponsor. She's only been sober ~18 months and it's pretty clear that a lot of her core issues are Al Anon issues, so she and her AA sponsor agreed that she would start working an Al Anon program. It's a pretty challenging situation for me to begin with because she is very, very different from me in terms of her background and her life experience, but the reason I agreed to try working with her is because she is amazingly willing and "leadership receptive," which, to me, is the very most important thing when it comes to "getting" any kind of 12 Step work.

Anyways, last week we were talking about some pretty major issues, and she got very, very overwhelmed with guilt....and finally she said: "You know how they always tell you "You did the best you could? Well, that's b*llsh*t. I did not do the best I could...I was stoned and I was selfish and there is no way that was the best I could do....and there's no excuse for it and I can't pretend there is."

I was a little taken aback, because, really, she's absolutely right, and although I definitely had the sense that that was not the "program approved" thing for me to say, I sure as h*ll was not going to lie to her. So, what I said was:

"You know, I think we all know in our hearts when we've done the best we could and when we haven't. And you're right, there are people who give themselves a free pass for a lot of stuff with that "I did the best I could" line. But, this is about you and what you know about yourself, and the thing you have to focus on is doing better in the future. Guilt is a totally useless, self-indulgent feeling, and if you go there you end up thinking that nothing can be OK unless you can change the past. And that's a total trap -- because the past will never change. I know for a fact that there have been times in the past when I did not do the best I could for whatever reason, and there's nothing I can do to change that now. But I can change the chances of my doing it again in the future, and, even if I hurt people, I can live a life that shows them that, no matter what happened to them in the past, they can get past it and grow through it and have a good life. We do not have to let our past control our future."

So, anyway, if there are other people out there who don't buy the "I did the best I could" line indiscriminately, what has your experience been working with other people around these kinds of issues? How do you handle it when it comes up? How do you you go about diffusing the guilt without excusing the behaviors? etc....etc....etc.....

freya