I realised when I read this back that it might have seemed really blasé, you know, 'don't worry, you'll be fine' and I thought maybe I should clarify a couple of things (in another very long post – sorry for that). I don't know whether you've been through addiction before. I haven't so maybe I'm missing something.
The other thing is about social pressures and pain. Until the surgery I constantly felt guilty that I couldn't function 'normally' through the pain. I thought a mentally stronger person would get it together and be able to work. Pain's subjective and only people who've suffered from chronic pain can have a clue what it's like so I guess that attitude's not surprising. It changed things alot when I got the closest thing to an objective opinion I'm ever going to get. Apparently (thank God I don't remember it) I came round from surgery screaming in pain. My very experienced surgeon was terrified by my reaction. Afterwards, he told me about it and said that he and the anaesthetist (who fortunately had treated me before and was expecting a pretty extreme reaction) decided I must have both a very low pain threshold and a very high tolerance for painkillers – a bad combo. I can't remember it and had no conscious control over my reaction so I know now that I couldn't have influenced an instinctive reaction to the pain - I am actually weird in a physical sense.
Might sound odd, but that feels a lot better than thinking I'm weird because other people would cope in my situation. I feel lucky to have found that out (even if I'm not lucky that I'm built that way). That said, I've also come to accept I might never be totally free of painkillers. I'll keep working towards that goal but it might not be possible. We'll see.
It's hard to cope with the pressure to be well and be normal. Especially if it's something like back pain when people are forever saying 'oh I know exactly how you feel. I overdid it in the garden at the weekend and now I'm really aching'. Huh? You know how I feel from that?! Even now, I get defensive about the fact that I work part time. I feel like people are judging me and think I'm lazy because I haven't made it to 'normal' yet. That feeling is partly because I assume people think the worst of me but I think it's pretty common to chronic pain sufferers anyway.
On my less paranoid days, I feel proud enough of having come this far and annoyed enough by people who say things like that to think of the Depeche Mode song, Walking in my shoes. I've always assumed that it's about the singer's battle with heroin addiction but it sticks with me because the lyrics include “Now I'm not looking for absolution, Forgiveness for the things I do, But before you come to any conclusions, Try walking in my shoes, You'll stumble in my footsteps, Keep the same appointments I kept, If you try walking in my shoes.”
A lot of us are walking in your shoes or in shoes very like them. You're not alone so please don't feel as if you are.
