New Financial Terms
CEO– Chief Embezzlement Officer
CFO - Corporate Fraud Officer
BULL MARKET– A random market movement causing investors to mistake themselves for financial geniuses.
BEAR MARKET– a 6-to-18-month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING– The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO– The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER – What my financial planner has made me.
STANDARD & POOR– Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST– Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT– When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
MARKET CORRECTION– The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW– The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO! – What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS– What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo at $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR– Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT – Archaic word no longer in use.
If you had purchased $1000 in shares of Delta Airlines
one year ago, you would have $49 today.
If you had purchased $1000 in shares of AIG
one year ago, you would have $33 today.
If you had purchased $1000 in shares of Lehman Brothers
one year ago, you would have $0.00 today.
But...if you had purchased $1000 worth of beer
one year ago, drank all the beer,
then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling,
you would have received $214.
Based on the above, the best current investment plan
is to drink heavily and recycle.