Hugs, ((( Scott )))
I have a mother - a stepmother actually - who is a carbon copy of your dad. Every visit and phone call quickly descends into a droning litany of physical woes, pain, loneliness, depression, and other brands of negativity.......which is not surprising given the milligrams of depressants she pours into her body every day. But be that as it may.
Please don't take what I'm about to say as some whacked-out new-age psychobabble, though it may seem like it at first.
Your dad's life is his business. Your life is your business.
It is not his right to come to you and say, "You'd be so much happier if you'd just get a faster car, buy a Rottweiler, take up skeet shooting, cut your hair, get a job as a taxidermist, and join the NAACP." He may be right (if I was being a bit less cuckoo with my examples). He may be absolutely right. But that doesn't give him the right to do it.
It's not your job to go to him and say, "You'd be so much happier if you'd just stop complaining, stop drinking, start dating some nice ladies, move into assisted living where you'd have company, start walking an hour a day, and join the NAACP."
You're absolutely right (well, maybe not about the NAACP).
But you don't GET to decide that for him.
Here's the psychobabble part: Maybe your dad, and my stepmom, are on their own journey. Maybe it isn't our job to determine their destiny. We can try to plant positive things along the way for them, but we can't make them pick them.
If he wants to live a miserable life, and resists all efforts to make it un-miserable, you have to let him walk that path by himself.
As usual in recovery, the only thing we can control is our own space, our own happiness.
Here are some of the things I felt I had to do: Your mileage may vary.
1) No phone calls or visits when she's been drinking, ever.
2) Complete honesty about why: I have been around alcoholism my whole life, and I'm deeply uncomfortable talking to inebriated people, and so I'm not doing it any more. If you want to communicate with me, you have to do it sober.
3) Careful honesty about the effect she has on me, and other people in the family. The line that worked best was, "You know, there are people who find it really uncomfortable to be around you, because nearly 100% of the things you talk about are negative, and all of our attempts to help you have a better life have been ignored. I'm afraid that people won't want to spend time with you if you can't find something good to say."
4) Random acts of kindness: I have, at odd moments, sent random things to her: A DVD on yoga to help alleviate arthritis symptoms; A telephone answering machine to help her screen telemarketers; Herbal remedies for various ills; An Etta James CD; A cookbook; a magazine subscription for an active-retirement audience; newspaper clippings about funny things. I do it with clear conscience and with no expectations. It answers the knowledge in me that says she just needs to know that people do indeed care about her welfare, but she never hears it any more because we're all too busy running the other way when she comes
5) Talking through the issue with a counselor, and coming up with some airtight responses to deter yet another descent into self-pity, to redirect it to something positive or a task that kept her occupied.
6) As a last resort, visiting with her on a set schedule (mine was approximately once per month) on neutral turf, doing something that left little room for conversation, and not forcing her on the rest of my family.
If I'm not mistaken, your ACOA-ness is saying, "I ought to be able to fix this! Under NO circumstances should I keep my distance from him, because if he dies unhappy it'll be all my fault! I should have the answers, the magic wand to make it all better!"
Detachment with love is such a wonderful space to be in, Scott. I can send love to her in ways other than the ones that throw me into an ACoA tizzy. I can let her go to take her own trip on this planet. I can see in my journal how hard I tried to make it a better one, and LET IT GO if she didn't accept my offerings. There are tears, but they don't burn me any more.
Although I would love for every person in my sphere of influence to have an ecstatic, fulfilling time in the 80-odd years they have to spend upright........I have resigned from the position of Supreme Fix-It-All for them.
If you can find a way to pry loose a few dollars to work for a short time with a counselor who has worked with ACOA issues, you may find yourself in a whole new ballgame with your dad. I did. And all I had to do was go back to basic cable and generic cheerios for a few months to afford it
Sending you and yours hugs from up here in the snow
p.s. sorry about the novella.....you're just such a cool guy, and I hate to see you suffering like this, over something you have so little control over.