[Astro]

and I'm not even sure if this is the best place to post it, but I need to vent and get this out. It's weighing heavy and it's eating up the happiness that I wake up every day with, I go to bed feeling drained. Here's the background....

I've always considered my parents great people, I've heard it shared by others as "my childhood was horrible, my parents kept telling me they loved me". Dad worked his @ss off and went to school to support us, Mom was the greatest housewife and homemaker we knew. Later on in life they would become my drinking buddies, and while I realize that's not an ideal situation, it is what it is, I'm in recovery now and my life is infinitely better. Mom died 11 years ago from cancer and alcoholism. I guess that's the starting point for this share.

Ever since Mom died Dad has been more miserable than normal. He never was a real happy kind of guy, but he has this effect on people now, when you're around him for more than a few minutes you want to stab a knife into your head. His conversations solely focus on how miserable his life is, how much he misses his wife, how poor his health his, and how his doctors and everyone else in the world are out to get him. He goes to support groups about once every few months, heck one of the women in his group actually wants to date him (!), and then he sinks back into depression. And yes, he drinks vodka like a fish.

His grandchildren (my kids) barely know him, other than he's the guy that brings over a plateful of cookies and junk that he finds on his walks around town. He's never visited his other son (my younger brother) and his family since they moved to Georgia a couple years ago. My older brother and I have encouraged him to travel, he's got plenty of money to do it, but he has no desire to travel outside his "safety zone" or "box".

He's had issues with his heart for years, lately they've gotten worse so it's meant trips to the ER, giving him rides to and from the hospital. While he's there he complains about the care and makes negative comments about the doctors and nurses, bitches about wanting to go home, then when he's released he complains about the pain he's in.

I don't even know where I'm going with this. Every weekend I feel the need (or maybe it's a responsibility) to invite him over for a visit . He's not going to live forever, I still love and respect the man. But lately it's getting to the point where I instantly regret having him there. The conversations are effing draining and depressing, there's absolutely nothing positive that comes out of his mouth, it's only doom and gloom. I know about boundaries, I know I should detach, but my heart is breaking because I feel like he might drop dead tomorrow, and that also makes me feel like a f**king hostage. It's sucking the goddamn life out of me and I just want to crawl into a hole and cry until it stops.

I want to be a happy father to my kids, and a loving partner to my fiance, but I feel like I'm failing in all my relationships. I know, I know, I need a therapist, or I should be working on my CoDA steps. Right now I'm feeling overwhelmed with the economy and financial responsibilities, so I'm making excuses about not having the time or money to work on myself. What I also know is that I might need to just make the time to stop what I'm doing and attack this until it's somehow resolved. I don't know how much longer I can drag myself around feeling like this.

If you're still reading this, thanks for letting me vent. Feel free to throw out any thoughts or words of experience. I love you all and I'm grateful for your support.

Scott