SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information - View Single Post - Will my BP Ex-H Blame me FOREVER?

Tiredofdrama1 · 03-24-2009, 07:14 AM

Thank you all for the responses.

History Teach...Yes, the boundaries. I am STILL learning after all these years that I have to KEEP my boundaries. I get continually sucked into "trusting" a certain behavior only to be disappointed the next day or hour or next time we communicate. For example, I am taking my kids on spring vacation & in an email he asked for details of where we'd be, etc. I willingly gave the info and in a subsequent email he even wished me (us) to have a good vacation.....it seemed genuine and friendly. But the very next day in a conversation when he was drilling me with more and more details he got angry with me and then verbally abused me. So, the unpredictability of his moods and behavior always ropes me back in. When he is decent and reasonable and rational I guess I tell myself that perhaps he is learning and making progress...but always when I think that I am quickly stabbed in the back yet again.

He is childlike in many ways, but even most children DO learn from the boundary setting. With my XH it's as though he doesn't learn from it. It's a constant game, back and forth, which is the nature of BP. Many, MANY times I have told myself to simply not have contact except for email but over time I seem to let my guard down. Again, as others suggest and I realize...this is my co-d nature and I am constantly working on that. I just get very frustrated and sad to realize that we may NEVER have even a reasonable, working relationship.

Readyforhelp, thanks for answering regarding the "character" issue. I could never conclude how this played into things with him. He comes from a family history of "victim mentality", so I am quite sure that his environment played a role. It all is so complicated and I am sure that I will never completely have answers. I want to understand it as much as possible in order to help my kids relate to him. It was necessary to end the marriage, IMO, because I could no longer justify staying in the situation and "teaching" my kids that it's ok to be treated that way...but I understand it's an ongoing process and it's my responsibility to teach my kids how to set their boundaries with him also. He does not vent on them or get nasty with them, however he has many manipulative behaviors. For example, telling them that they "better answer my calls and texts" on vacation (or else.......????). Strong arming them and "guilting" them into calling and keeping in contact with him. He apparently doesn't understand that down the road as soon as they don't "have" to call him or be him, they won't as a result of these manipulations. It's really sad...

Anyway, it's helpful to hear that it's his CHOICE to behave in such angry and hateful ways. My struggle has always been "is he unWILLING or unABLE"?? Maybe I can better keep my boundaries knowing that he does have the ability to understand his behaviors if he wants to.

Thanks again for the responses. I hurt for my kids and try so hard to help them understand "dad"...... I continually tell them that he loves them, and I try to explain that we can love him also, but that we do not have to accept unreasonable behavior.

Ugghhhh....thanks for letting me vent....

03-24-2009, 07:14 AM	#5 (permalink)
Tiredofdrama1 Member Join Date: Jul 2008 Posts: 5	Thank you all for the responses. History Teach...Yes, the boundaries. I am STILL learning after all these years that I have to KEEP my boundaries. I get continually sucked into "trusting" a certain behavior only to be disappointed the next day or hour or next time we communicate. For example, I am taking my kids on spring vacation & in an email he asked for details of where we'd be, etc. I willingly gave the info and in a subsequent email he even wished me (us) to have a good vacation.....it seemed genuine and friendly. But the very next day in a conversation when he was drilling me with more and more details he got angry with me and then verbally abused me. So, the unpredictability of his moods and behavior always ropes me back in. When he is decent and reasonable and rational I guess I tell myself that perhaps he is learning and making progress...but always when I think that I am quickly stabbed in the back yet again. He is childlike in many ways, but even most children DO learn from the boundary setting. With my XH it's as though he doesn't learn from it. It's a constant game, back and forth, which is the nature of BP. Many, MANY times I have told myself to simply not have contact except for email but over time I seem to let my guard down. Again, as others suggest and I realize...this is my co-d nature and I am constantly working on that. I just get very frustrated and sad to realize that we may NEVER have even a reasonable, working relationship. Readyforhelp, thanks for answering regarding the "character" issue. I could never conclude how this played into things with him. He comes from a family history of "victim mentality", so I am quite sure that his environment played a role. It all is so complicated and I am sure that I will never completely have answers. I want to understand it as much as possible in order to help my kids relate to him. It was necessary to end the marriage, IMO, because I could no longer justify staying in the situation and "teaching" my kids that it's ok to be treated that way...but I understand it's an ongoing process and it's my responsibility to teach my kids how to set their boundaries with him also. He does not vent on them or get nasty with them, however he has many manipulative behaviors. For example, telling them that they "better answer my calls and texts" on vacation (or else.......????). Strong arming them and "guilting" them into calling and keeping in contact with him. He apparently doesn't understand that down the road as soon as they don't "have" to call him or be him, they won't as a result of these manipulations. It's really sad... Anyway, it's helpful to hear that it's his CHOICE to behave in such angry and hateful ways. My struggle has always been "is he unWILLING or unABLE"?? Maybe I can better keep my boundaries knowing that he does have the ability to understand his behaviors if he wants to. Thanks again for the responses. I hurt for my kids and try so hard to help them understand "dad"...... I continually tell them that he loves them, and I try to explain that we can love him also, but that we do not have to accept unreasonable behavior. Ugghhhh....thanks for letting me vent....