Why is it that sometimes I can feel sort of fine and begin to think, maybe I don't need therapy etc, Then the depression comes back to get me...and I can't even begin to imagine how I ever thought that I could get back to what is 'normal'
Every things just getting worse...I keep having dreams about death and cutting myself again...even stabbing myself.
I keep having these higher beliefs and delusions that I can fly and do these really impressive back flips ( I do this when I'm awake and asleep and it's usually when i'm 'high)
I'm so paranoid and stressed all the time.
Last night I went shopping with my parents and my anxiety got so bad I was nearly in tears just thinking about the way my brother smiles and walks...no reason for it by the way, my bro is only 21 and is fine as far as I know...that's another thing I keep thinking about people dying and I HATE it...it makes me feel sick and cry and stressed and really overprotective of my family.
I always think no one understands me and I think my therapist doesn't beleive me when I say i'm not well in the head...because I can feel that I'm not right in the head I can just feel it.
The depression is awful, I don't want to do anything or be anywhere...sometimes I don't even want to live I just don't care.
Then if I feel high I go out and waste all my money on things I don't need, I do this weird mental smile and laughing thing and I'm like an immature little kid...
I'm just so lost...And I think i'm going to have to go back to work soon and I'm just so anxious because I know it's going to ruin my progress (even though personally I feel like i'm getting worse) My therapist tried to convince me otherwise when I was there and said I was worrying/over-thinking things.
Sometimes when I close my eyes I have these really vivid visions and they make me twitch and stuff and if I'm really anxious my hands can sort of freeze up and my toes all curl over...this happens in public too...seriously...do I sound like i'm ready to face the idiots in my job?? I'm so scared that something big is gonna happen I'm so scared I just don't know what to do
Sorry but thank you for listening to my long and drawn out rant...or if you didn't read it then sorry because I know it's really too long!
By the way I'm on Citalopram 20 mgs daily and Olanzapine (Zyprexa) 10 mgs daily.
--- Aimee