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Pagekeeper · 03-17-2009, 07:29 PM

I haven't been around much for a few weeks because my life was turned upside down when I found out that my best friend in the program committed suicide.

I've gone through an entire spectrum of emotions and feel I'm beginning to emerge on the other side--thankfully, finally . . .

I went into shock for the first 24 hours. Then I was filled with despair. Then I was filled with rage and confusion and fear and anxiety and blame.

I doubted everything--AA, relationships, the meaning of life . . . but I did not pick up a drink. Somehow I knew it would not resolve anything, and it would only make it more painful. Plus it just seemed disgraceful to even consider drinking, given the circumstances.

A funny thing has happened, though. Once I found out what had happened, all of my resentments disappeared. It was like I was no longer angry at anyone. I realized how petty anger is in the face of how long we are here. Why not forgive? Why not try to love? Why not say a few kind words to someone who has wronged me as well as to someone who I have wronged?

I miss my friend. Just today I was thinking how I wished I could see my friend again, just one more time, and tell this person how much I loved them.

03-17-2009, 07:29 PM	#1 (permalink)
Pagekeeper Member Join Date: Jul 2008 Posts: 574	A rough 2 weeks I haven't been around much for a few weeks because my life was turned upside down when I found out that my best friend in the program committed suicide. I've gone through an entire spectrum of emotions and feel I'm beginning to emerge on the other side--thankfully, finally . . . I went into shock for the first 24 hours. Then I was filled with despair. Then I was filled with rage and confusion and fear and anxiety and blame. I doubted everything--AA, relationships, the meaning of life . . . but I did not pick up a drink. Somehow I knew it would not resolve anything, and it would only make it more painful. Plus it just seemed disgraceful to even consider drinking, given the circumstances. A funny thing has happened, though. Once I found out what had happened, all of my resentments disappeared. It was like I was no longer angry at anyone. I realized how petty anger is in the face of how long we are here. Why not forgive? Why not try to love? Why not say a few kind words to someone who has wronged me as well as to someone who I have wronged? I miss my friend. Just today I was thinking how I wished I could see my friend again, just one more time, and tell this person how much I loved them.