[timetogo]

Hi Marigolds

When I first realized that my AH had a problem with alcohol and substance abuse, I couldn't even fathom that I had any kind of part in his issues whatsoever. I refused to acknowledge that it was a disease and believed he could stop, but he didn't love us enough. I refused to acknowledge that I enabled him in anyway. After all, I was simply trying to survive and give my children a good life -- the fantasy family life.
If it wasn't for me, he wouldn't even be functioning.

It took many years of delving into anything I could get my hands on to read to try to stop him from drinking, learning everything I could about the disease. I tried everything, absolutely everything, never thinking about what I needed to keep myself sane.

When I first went to alanon, about five years ago, I knew that I was as sick as him -- if not sicker. I started to realize that I was indeed making it possible for his disease to progress. And that's what it did -- text book case. Everything I had screamed, cried, begged, cleaned up, forgiven again and again, was giving him the perfect cushion to fall into when he fell. I used to feel guilty for that, for having a part in him getting sicker, but have worked at forgiving MYSELF.

I love the book, CODEPENDENT NO MORE. I read it a few years back and am now rereading it and actually doing the exercises this time lol. It has helped me a lot to acknowledge the role I played in the dysfunction of my marriage and in the end of it.

Things like why did you allow yourself to be treated disrespectfully, why did you not love and care for yourself, why did you think you deserved so little????

My best friend put this very plainly to me a few weeks back when I was in a "personal he**". She asked "why I couldn't see what she saw -- a beautiful, smart, wonderful woman allowing someone to abuse you the way he was." It really stopped me in my tracts -- why didn't I see that and why was I LETTING this happen to me. I haven't looked back!

take care of you
Laurie