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I had a very similar question going through this process and could not seem to wrap my mind around how I contributed to the Addict/Co-dependent relationship that I have with my ABF. He had a very controlled drinking pattern when we met, and I questioned if my actions, or lack thereof, actually made his condition worse. Had it not been for me I thought he would not have spiralled to the point he is at now.
The response I got from the folks here that have been through the fire and back was that I have to understand two points that are true universally. These may help you.
1) Alcoholism is progressive. It has ups and downs but it continues on its own path. As life changes around my ABF, his disease changes. Whether I am with him or not, whether we ever met at all, does not change a thing. He will make the choice that suits him in regards to his drinking. He may use me as his excuse to drink, but without me, he will find another.
2) I am not, nor will I ever be, omnipotent. The only person or thing that I can control outright is me. I cannot cause a disease created and driven by someone else to change any more than I can change the weather, the tides, or the rise and set of the sun.
It's true we have played a part in the addict/co-dependent dance that we must accept and change. That part for me was a stifling control. Because I believed so strongly that I could control the disease, I ended up controlling all the aspects of my ABF that could have made him stand up against the disease on his own. I made sure all of the bills got paid so he wouldn't be homeless or we wouldn't have to go without things. I made sure he had beer in the house, so he wouldn't be compelled to drive out to get more thus driving under the influence. I made sure he had clean clothes and gas money in his pocket so he wouldn't find a reason to not go to work and stay home drinking.
I enabled him. I enabled the disease of alcoholism to grow stronger and I gave it a comfortable place to live. Without me, it would grow but without a safety net. When it grows without a soft landing spot, the only place to land is rock bottom, which is where an alcohlic needs to be to find it within themselves to get better.
I hope this helps a little as you work through this process.
Peace to you.
Alice
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