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tallulah · 03-10-2009, 09:05 AM

Just when you think it's safe to get back in the water..

A little update...

Storage is booked. I have paid a deposit and the unit is available from Saturday. I spoke to my A who agreed to help me move my stuff out. Due to circumstances out of my control it required him to make the booking for the truck which I aksed him would he be able to to on Saturday just gone. He said he may be out that day and so I said it would be possible to do it on Sunday morning. Anyway he didn't go out on Saturday but I didn't press the matter of the hire as I thought it doesn't matter as it can be done on Sunday anyway and we'd agreed that. So we spent Saturday just chilling out and watching a movie together. All in all a pleasant day.

Sunday came. It didn't start well for me as I had little sleep due to noisy neighbours (another long story in itself) and I was drained and quite teary because of lack of sleep. Talk got around to moving out as my A offered me ear plugs (which I hate) and I said I could manage for now as it is just another week and I won't be here.

As I said I was exhausted and drained and he offered me a hug. He came to sit by me and hugged me. Then he just started sobbing. I asked him what was the matter and he said, 'I don't think I want you to leave'. I told him that I didn't want to leave either but things could not carry on as they were for me. Long story short he said his heart didn't want me to go but his head didn't know what to do for the best. There were 'I love you's and tears from both of us. I said we didn't have to talk about it now and he went out to do something he had arranged to do.

When he came back he had been to the supermarket and bought a selection of things to cook. He said we are going to have a nice lunch. He seemed calm and happy. He had also bought me a beautiful bunch of tulips. Flowers were something he used to buy me regularly so I know they were not a peace offering (lol).

We spent a lovely day together just being ourselves. We didn't talk about it.

Monday came and went. Again we were relaxed around each other. I went to my meeting and when I returned home he was still up and we talked about some AA/Al-Anon things. This is something that hasn't happened since we broke up: he would usually be in bed before I got back from my meeting and was never interested in talking when I returned.

Since Sunday I have enjoyed the more relaxed atmosphere but I have been acutely aware that, if we are not going to work together to see whether we can or should work on our relationship, I should be working towards moving out. So, aware of this, today I have sent him a text.

It said, 'as you know I have reserved storage and need to book a van.. we didn't do the latter.. so now I need to know.. are we saying <bleep> this stalemate, we love each other and lets try to make this work.. or is me leaving back on?'

Meh.. I hated having to send that. That stubborn part of me with the considerable ability to detach and go cold rails against such genuine communication. But if I didn't I could be stuck in coulda, woulda, shoulda right?

Anyway, his response wasn't immediate but it has arrived. 'We should talk about it tonight'.

Now I am trying very hard to get some serenity and stop the stinkin' thinkin'.

03-10-2009, 09:05 AM	#1 (permalink)
tallulah Member Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: London, UK Posts: 927 Blog Entries: 2	Hmmmm.. Just when you think it's safe to get back in the water.. A little update... Storage is booked. I have paid a deposit and the unit is available from Saturday. I spoke to my A who agreed to help me move my stuff out. Due to circumstances out of my control it required him to make the booking for the truck which I aksed him would he be able to to on Saturday just gone. He said he may be out that day and so I said it would be possible to do it on Sunday morning. Anyway he didn't go out on Saturday but I didn't press the matter of the hire as I thought it doesn't matter as it can be done on Sunday anyway and we'd agreed that. So we spent Saturday just chilling out and watching a movie together. All in all a pleasant day. Sunday came. It didn't start well for me as I had little sleep due to noisy neighbours (another long story in itself) and I was drained and quite teary because of lack of sleep. Talk got around to moving out as my A offered me ear plugs (which I hate) and I said I could manage for now as it is just another week and I won't be here. As I said I was exhausted and drained and he offered me a hug. He came to sit by me and hugged me. Then he just started sobbing. I asked him what was the matter and he said, 'I don't think I want you to leave'. I told him that I didn't want to leave either but things could not carry on as they were for me. Long story short he said his heart didn't want me to go but his head didn't know what to do for the best. There were 'I love you's and tears from both of us. I said we didn't have to talk about it now and he went out to do something he had arranged to do. When he came back he had been to the supermarket and bought a selection of things to cook. He said we are going to have a nice lunch. He seemed calm and happy. He had also bought me a beautiful bunch of tulips. Flowers were something he used to buy me regularly so I know they were not a peace offering (lol). We spent a lovely day together just being ourselves. We didn't talk about it. Monday came and went. Again we were relaxed around each other. I went to my meeting and when I returned home he was still up and we talked about some AA/Al-Anon things. This is something that hasn't happened since we broke up: he would usually be in bed before I got back from my meeting and was never interested in talking when I returned. Since Sunday I have enjoyed the more relaxed atmosphere but I have been acutely aware that, if we are not going to work together to see whether we can or should work on our relationship, I should be working towards moving out. So, aware of this, today I have sent him a text. It said, 'as you know I have reserved storage and need to book a van.. we didn't do the latter.. so now I need to know.. are we saying <bleep> this stalemate, we love each other and lets try to make this work.. or is me leaving back on?' Meh.. I hated having to send that. That stubborn part of me with the considerable ability to detach and go cold rails against such genuine communication. But if I didn't I could be stuck in coulda, woulda, shoulda right? Anyway, his response wasn't immediate but it has arrived. 'We should talk about it tonight'. Now I am trying very hard to get some serenity and stop the stinkin' thinkin'.