[TigerLili]

I have never had a healthy r'ship with food. I've been bullimic and anorexic at different times but the main problem is that I am a compulsive overeater and I don't know how to control it. I don't WANT to stop, but I know I need to. Every day I am filled with guilt, shame and remorse about my eating. I am 4 months sober in AA. I'm 39 now and over the last five years my weight ballooned up to just over 200 pounds at the end of 2007. I have lost just over 30 pounds since then but now I'm gaining it back and I'm so scared.

I just don't know how to stop over eating. I ask my HP to make me willing to be willing to not over eat just for today, to take the obsession and compulsion away, but I just end up stuffing my face and getting fatter and fatter. I hate myself, I hate food, I hate that I feel so awful all the time. I hate that food and weight take up so much space in my head. I hate myself. I can't look at myself in the mirror. I just despise everything about myelf. I tell myself tht if I can't drink any more, I need to eat because it's the only comfort that I have. I haven't had a decent relationship, ever. I've had a few short term boyfriends, was married once in my early 20's for a few months. All I have is food. I used to have alcohol too, and giving up junk food is more than I think I can bear. i don't know if I will be ok if I stop over eating. How will I feel? Will I feel better? How do I sustain it when it's so easy to buy junk food, when it's so available? To buy alcohol, I have to make a special trip to a liquor store. It's not just 'there'.

At work, I am right near the cafeteria. I can pop in multiple times a day for candy bars, sodas, cookies etc. I don't know how to stop. I just don't know what to do. I can't do this any more but I don't know how to stop.