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genrs123 · 03-07-2009, 10:30 PM

well here is an update. and a vent. its just a hard day.

about two or so ago, i was still so depressed, just found a good combination of meds... but i decided i needed to focus on school and move / go to school on campus. it was too hard online, i wasnt motivated anyway etc.

right before i left, i heard XABF was trying to not drink because he missed me. even with recognized the fact that he wasnt actually in recovery etc., i still, a week before i was moving.... talked to him. about everything. it was clear he was still drinking and using coke- but a lot of the guilt that i had was better and i felt good knowing he still loved me. we had some really intimate and good conversations where i felt i did the best i could.

we exchanged a lot of i love yous and really intimate conversations that i still believe valid despite his addiction... sigh.

we agreed to write (real) letters so he could build his trust and we could keep in touch. he does NOT have my number, and during this time he JUST got my email. after i left, we exchanged emails a few times. he wrote me on valentines day. he wrote me a real letter about a week and a half after i got there. i got it after i had been there two weeks. i wrote him back immediately. he got it around the 25th of february. although i think it got there around the 20th. i still havent heard from him in pen.

however, wed been emailing frequently, all lovey dovey and then he "dissapeared". i check his social networking site, which he usually is on daily. i freaked out. i was worried. i emailed constantly. he got annoyed, but did write me. finally, and say he hadnt been home... and was at a friends house (which i do believe). and that he was going to read my letter first thing the next day when he was home.... i got really upset. sounded so uninterested and apathetic to what was going on with me .... so i told him and got annoyed. he stopped emailing. i think i freaked out some more, and then realized i was policing him about his whereabots which wasnt helpful (not to mention attractive) at all. i apologized. but said i was depressed and thinking about ending it (dramatic, i know. at the same time, i had just ran out of my meds /stopped cold turkey... and they were pending in the mail too long. i couldnt get a perscription since i just moved). and that i just had wanted to know he cared. he still doesnt respond.

so i apologized again. i said, yes i have made some mistakes out of sadness or emotion that i regret, but thats not a reason to ignore me. and that it was messed up. id been there for him when was super depressed and we have a lot of history. and i just wanted to know he cared.

he wrote back: "i love you. you know that. but i cant deal with this up and down day to day. not everything is a life or death situation. i love you more than anything. you should know that" . i wrote him back and said that sometimes i forget, and he just needed to remind me . ... and that when he dissapears etc. it was up or down for me, tooo. but then i talk about some other things- just small talk unrelated... he never writes back. that was exactly a week ago.

meanwhile, today is my birthday. he knows my birthday. its possible that he doesnt know what day it is, but he knows its my birthday.

i really want to cheww him out via email, but im writing here instead first. i just want to know that im important to him. im afraid hes going to stop caring and thinking of me- if he ever did. its hard to remember those days. and theyre apparently getting further and farther between. i just wanted to remember that i was something to him. that he loves me.

i even explained that when i didnt hear from him, it made me think he did not care... and i guess he doesnt. i am trying not to email him and remind him that it is my birthday and how much it HURTS but i dont know if thats a good idea. i want him to hurt like im hurting- from someone not caring-- but i guess he knows that i care about him so he doesnt have to ever feel that hurt.

its hard. im in a new city alone. i dont have a job. i have been to depressed to do anything... he has a job he likes now, hes "enjoying" himself, from what he told me before i left.... hes "busy" but i just have a hard time imagining that he doesnt know what its like to be in another city, alone...

thanks for letting me share.

03-07-2009, 10:30 PM	#1 (permalink)
genrs123 Member Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: Atlanta Posts: 149	didnt hear from him on my birthday. well here is an update. and a vent. its just a hard day. about two or so ago, i was still so depressed, just found a good combination of meds... but i decided i needed to focus on school and move / go to school on campus. it was too hard online, i wasnt motivated anyway etc. right before i left, i heard XABF was trying to not drink because he missed me. even with recognized the fact that he wasnt actually in recovery etc., i still, a week before i was moving.... talked to him. about everything. it was clear he was still drinking and using coke- but a lot of the guilt that i had was better and i felt good knowing he still loved me. we had some really intimate and good conversations where i felt i did the best i could. we exchanged a lot of i love yous and really intimate conversations that i still believe valid despite his addiction... sigh. we agreed to write (real) letters so he could build his trust and we could keep in touch. he does NOT have my number, and during this time he JUST got my email. after i left, we exchanged emails a few times. he wrote me on valentines day. he wrote me a real letter about a week and a half after i got there. i got it after i had been there two weeks. i wrote him back immediately. he got it around the 25th of february. although i think it got there around the 20th. i still havent heard from him in pen. however, wed been emailing frequently, all lovey dovey and then he "dissapeared". i check his social networking site, which he usually is on daily. i freaked out. i was worried. i emailed constantly. he got annoyed, but did write me. finally, and say he hadnt been home... and was at a friends house (which i do believe). and that he was going to read my letter first thing the next day when he was home.... i got really upset. sounded so uninterested and apathetic to what was going on with me .... so i told him and got annoyed. he stopped emailing. i think i freaked out some more, and then realized i was policing him about his whereabots which wasnt helpful (not to mention attractive) at all. i apologized. but said i was depressed and thinking about ending it (dramatic, i know. at the same time, i had just ran out of my meds /stopped cold turkey... and they were pending in the mail too long. i couldnt get a perscription since i just moved). and that i just had wanted to know he cared. he still doesnt respond. so i apologized again. i said, yes i have made some mistakes out of sadness or emotion that i regret, but thats not a reason to ignore me. and that it was messed up. id been there for him when was super depressed and we have a lot of history. and i just wanted to know he cared. he wrote back: "i love you. you know that. but i cant deal with this up and down day to day. not everything is a life or death situation. i love you more than anything. you should know that" . i wrote him back and said that sometimes i forget, and he just needed to remind me . ... and that when he dissapears etc. it was up or down for me, tooo. but then i talk about some other things- just small talk unrelated... he never writes back. that was exactly a week ago. meanwhile, today is my birthday. he knows my birthday. its possible that he doesnt know what day it is, but he knows its my birthday. i really want to cheww him out via email, but im writing here instead first. i just want to know that im important to him. im afraid hes going to stop caring and thinking of me- if he ever did. its hard to remember those days. and theyre apparently getting further and farther between. i just wanted to remember that i was something to him. that he loves me. i even explained that when i didnt hear from him, it made me think he did not care... and i guess he doesnt. i am trying not to email him and remind him that it is my birthday and how much it HURTS but i dont know if thats a good idea. i want him to hurt like im hurting- from someone not caring-- but i guess he knows that i care about him so he doesnt have to ever feel that hurt. its hard. im in a new city alone. i dont have a job. i have been to depressed to do anything... he has a job he likes now, hes "enjoying" himself, from what he told me before i left.... hes "busy" but i just have a hard time imagining that he doesnt know what its like to be in another city, alone... thanks for letting me share.