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runningfree · 04-29-2004, 07:24 PM

Thanks thanks and more thanks to all that replied to my post...ADVICE WELCOMED.
I had a meeting with my therapist and I explained that everyone here is so kind and nice and supportive, but I can't believe that it is going to work. I told her that I have been getting more anxious with the support and kind words because I feel even more like I am not going to make it because maybe I don't want to change versus can't change. I don't know which it is right now. It appears right now that the medication combo is making me jittery and anxious, but I am not sure if I am creating this because I am so desperate for something to work favorably. If the choice is up to me then I will not be making the positive choice right now. I choose to get better, but all I can do is what I am doing and feels like nothing because I can't feel anything but desperation, and disgust for my thoughts and feelings. I know I shouldn't feel this way and if I talked to people that didn't know I was faking it they would think that I am a wonderful teacher, mother, extremely patient, funny and always willing to help. I am struggling so hard to keep up this facade so that the world would not see me as I trully am. I appear extremely organized, but I am hiding my true self. I am hopiing to not make a drastic mistake before the end of the year. My husband sees me as my true self and he says that I am ALWAYS negative and never patient and NEVER happy. "It is so difficult to live with me." I have no energy left. I could quit my job, but then it would get out to the community and we live in such a small town that it would be over if ANYONE found out about me. They would talk behind my back that they couldn't believe that their child was in my care. I just hope the summer months help me to regroup and deal better and face what is really true and accept what I can not change. I am who I am and that is it. I have to accept it even though I may not like it.
Thanks for letting me type these words.
It is not making the pain at all less hurtful. My therapist even suggested that I may consider not checking in here if I am getting so anxious and frustrated. "why do something that makes you feel so upset?" I don't know what to do! Help!

04-29-2004, 07:24 PM	#1 (permalink)
runningfree Member Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Pooh Corner, USA Posts: 116	New add to advice welcomed...help Thanks thanks and more thanks to all that replied to my post...ADVICE WELCOMED. I had a meeting with my therapist and I explained that everyone here is so kind and nice and supportive, but I can't believe that it is going to work. I told her that I have been getting more anxious with the support and kind words because I feel even more like I am not going to make it because maybe I don't want to change versus can't change. I don't know which it is right now. It appears right now that the medication combo is making me jittery and anxious, but I am not sure if I am creating this because I am so desperate for something to work favorably. If the choice is up to me then I will not be making the positive choice right now. I choose to get better, but all I can do is what I am doing and feels like nothing because I can't feel anything but desperation, and disgust for my thoughts and feelings. I know I shouldn't feel this way and if I talked to people that didn't know I was faking it they would think that I am a wonderful teacher, mother, extremely patient, funny and always willing to help. I am struggling so hard to keep up this facade so that the world would not see me as I trully am. I appear extremely organized, but I am hiding my true self. I am hopiing to not make a drastic mistake before the end of the year. My husband sees me as my true self and he says that I am ALWAYS negative and never patient and NEVER happy. "It is so difficult to live with me." I have no energy left. I could quit my job, but then it would get out to the community and we live in such a small town that it would be over if ANYONE found out about me. They would talk behind my back that they couldn't believe that their child was in my care. I just hope the summer months help me to regroup and deal better and face what is really true and accept what I can not change. I am who I am and that is it. I have to accept it even though I may not like it. Thanks for letting me type these words. It is not making the pain at all less hurtful. My therapist even suggested that I may consider not checking in here if I am getting so anxious and frustrated. "why do something that makes you feel so upset?" I don't know what to do! Help!