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Standing up for myself, or bringing up a problem or a need I have, or getting mad at someone can feel so dangerous.
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Wow, Bragi, that does say it well. I had been thinking that my fears resulted in my anger at others. (And this means that I am still struggling with it.) It actually may be the other way around - a need/desire to express anger, or even resentment, creates fear. Given how risky expressing anger could be growing up with AF or AM (I had both), your view makes more sense. There may even be a bit of a vicious cycle - anger creates fear, that creates more anger (as you can't express that anger safely), and so on.
It sounds like some of that anger came out in that phone call.
It is difficult but we can makes steps to stop the madness. As I said I am reading a lot of the 12 Step material on this forum (some really good stuff) and attending Alanon meetings.
As for books, there are many specifically written for ACOAs. With all the other work-related reading I do I haven't gotten to them. (or, ummm, it could be procrastination!)
Those written by Janet G. Woititz (Adult Children of A's, and Self-Sabotage) are very useful from what I have read here.
There is also a good list of books, plus a really good acoa blog, at
Guess What Normal Is
The blogger has lots of good insights, including a good dose of 'get going' assertions.
Have you read over the 'Guilt' stickie? I recently re-read it and it was helpful.