SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information - View Single Post - Afraid of anger; trying to avoid people getting angry at me

bragi · 03-05-2009, 12:12 PM

grewupinabarn,

Your post was very valuable. It's good to have some validation, y'know?

It's surprising how long it takes to figure out (and re-figure out!

)these issues.

What you said about how we "probably don't ever irritate everyone" is fantastic. It can feel like it though, can't it? Standing up for myself, or bringing up a problem or a need I have, or getting mad at someone can feel so dangerous. And even though, time after time, nothing happens and everything's fine, everything feels so treacherous and inches away from busting at the seams. Why is that?

You mentioned that the root of this is in blaming ourselves for our family's condition. I know that my mom (the raging alcoholic of the family) is (and was) very controlling, and many times would get really mad at everyone if we didn't feel or think the way she wanted us to. Many, many times she would say how our family was horrible, and how she gave up her life (career) for us, and we were letting her down and everything was terrible.

My mom also spent a lot of time telling me and my sister how terrible our father was, and what a deadbeat he was, etc. So I grew up hating him. It's true he wasn't the best father, and he was distant, and should've done something for us kids, or stopped my mom's drinking, but if there was one "enemy" in the family, it was my mom. It's taken almost 29 years, but I'm finally coming to peace with who my dad is.

As far as my mom goes, a week or two ago I finally read her the riot act. All of the pent-up rage, hatred, anger and resentment came out in one phone call. The story is that I heard from my sister that my mom - drunk of course - started screaming at, swearing at, and berating my sister's boyfriend for no reason. I had had enough: I was not going to let my mother get in the way of my sister being able to have a relationship. I called up my mom and tore into her, and at the end of the call, told her that she drove our dad away, our dad's family away, her side of the family away, and now she was driving her own children away, and if she didn't stop drinking, she'd never see me again.

Phew, this sort of turned into a brain dump :P

Anyway, regarding blaming myself for all of that, I don't have a whole lot of conscious awareness of doing that, but I'd like to read more about it. Is there one book that talks more about how that works than others?

Thanks!

03-05-2009, 12:12 PM	#3 (permalink)
bragi Member Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: Minneapolis, MN Posts: 78	grewupinabarn, Your post was very valuable. It's good to have some validation, y'know? It's surprising how long it takes to figure out (and re-figure out! )these issues. What you said about how we "probably don't ever irritate everyone" is fantastic. It can feel like it though, can't it? Standing up for myself, or bringing up a problem or a need I have, or getting mad at someone can feel so dangerous. And even though, time after time, nothing happens and everything's fine, everything feels so treacherous and inches away from busting at the seams. Why is that? You mentioned that the root of this is in blaming ourselves for our family's condition. I know that my mom (the raging alcoholic of the family) is (and was) very controlling, and many times would get really mad at everyone if we didn't feel or think the way she wanted us to. Many, many times she would say how our family was horrible, and how she gave up her life (career) for us, and we were letting her down and everything was terrible. My mom also spent a lot of time telling me and my sister how terrible our father was, and what a deadbeat he was, etc. So I grew up hating him. It's true he wasn't the best father, and he was distant, and should've done something for us kids, or stopped my mom's drinking, but if there was one "enemy" in the family, it was my mom. It's taken almost 29 years, but I'm finally coming to peace with who my dad is. As far as my mom goes, a week or two ago I finally read her the riot act. All of the pent-up rage, hatred, anger and resentment came out in one phone call. The story is that I heard from my sister that my mom - drunk of course - started screaming at, swearing at, and berating my sister's boyfriend for no reason. I had had enough: I was not going to let my mother get in the way of my sister being able to have a relationship. I called up my mom and tore into her, and at the end of the call, told her that she drove our dad away, our dad's family away, her side of the family away, and now she was driving her own children away, and if she didn't stop drinking, she'd never see me again. Phew, this sort of turned into a brain dump :P Anyway, regarding blaming myself for all of that, I don't have a whole lot of conscious awareness of doing that, but I'd like to read more about it. Is there one book that talks more about how that works than others? Thanks!