Hi luka,
Your story sounds like mine. I lost my mother at a young age and my sisters really helped me to grow up. They were both addicts/alcoholics, and neither was able to escape their disease.
I remember the phone calls from hospitals where my oldest sister had been admitted, asking what I wanted them to do. They were the most traumatic thing in my life. The kicker was the last one, where she was finally in a coma and I was asked if I would sign a DNR (do not resuscitate) order. I thought I would explode from the stress.
So, long story short, I understand what you're going through.
The foundation of this place is that we KNOW we can't help the alcoholic but we devote all our efforts to helping their loved ones survive their choices. Please do read around the Sticky posts at the very top of the forum, and learn what there is to learn there. Many of us attend Al-Anon face-to-face meetings just to gain some real human support for our stress and depression.....have you tried that yet? And speaking for myself, when I felt myself slipping into the darkness, I started going to a counselor who was experienced with grief. It was a turning point in my life.
Why grief? You know your sister will quite possibly continue on her path and you'll lose her to alcoholism, regardless of what you do. It will be even more sickening, sad, angry, frustrating....with a little bit of very guilty relief thrown in.
Please consider putting a greater focus on taking care of YOURSELF in this time. Yours is the only life you can control. Consider not listening to any more of those messages (not good for you)....delete them without listening. Consider letting her handle her own hospital arrangements (not good for you)....she has proven that it does no good. Consider letting yourself off the hook for something you didn't cause, can't control, and can't cure. Like I said, counseling helped me a lot.
We're here if you need to talk.
Hang in there
