[kittykat58]

I got sober in 1988 (tomorrow is actually my 21 yr anniversary from my last drink) through AA and went to meetings regularly mostly through the first 10-11 years. around year 11-13 I was going less as I was gowing in my faith/church that found around year5. I was much happier around my chuch growth and felt that AA was very stagnant and full of alcoholic behavior (good, kind people but many who were arrogant, controlling, egotistical with "the program" and it realy got under my skin). I enjoyed the gentle and humble people I knew in my church, people who weren't always bragging about how many years they were sober or talking about how great they are b/c they didn't have a drink today.

I don't want to run AA down -- I still feel it is what got me on my sober feet, but I am not sure I have ever felt at ease with "the program" -- ie the literature, having a sponsor, the "cult" feel of meetings, imperatives that must be followed or surely you will drink (and die)...really kind of a call against individualism and personal growth -- more of a call to group-think.

then I think I am just buying into negativity or worse -- eek! eek! in denial.

has anyone ever found that AA wasn't really for them but they still could get/stay happily sober? I'm afraid to leave b/c I've been so brainwashed over the years that I feel if I do I'll be "struck drunk" or, at the very least, a "dry drunk".

I feel ok at meetings but always anxious when I speak (after 21 years!!), as if I am putting on a face of fellowship that I enjoy but don't neccessarily buy on all levels. I used to buy into it all, but I have a lot more to my life now than meetings and don't know how to make it a "part of" my life and be ok with that instead of it being the "end all and be all". I feel like a phony and a liar going to meetings if I don't buy it all, hook line and sinker.

does this make sense? what do you all think? do you have to always be pounding the big book to be truly sober? :praying