Hi all...
I really hate to harp on the same thing and everyone keeps telling me to express my feelings. It hurts to say the same thing. Deep down the stuff is deep seeded and I can't get away from this. My "friend" has similar issues and it triggered all this deep buried stuff for me. I can't past the failure stuff. I don't think that you have to run marathons to be successful, but that is what I set for myself because running was the ONLY thing my whole life that I felt successful at. I knew that I wasn't really that good but I let myself feel good for a little while and now I am involved in someone that equally thinks the way that I do and is succeeding in everything that I couldn't get to. I feel that I have to face that I am not as good as I really thought I was. I did everything half-a--ed and hoped that no one would discover that I wasn't that good. Weight has always been a big issue in my life. No one noticed me when I was heavier than I am now. I now that at 44 the pounds are starting to pile on and with the lack of activity I am scared to death of my destiny. This fear has always been with me because I am accepted more in my personal life. I have been lucky and that luck is running out. I have been through the whole eating disorder stuff and I just can't do it. I am doing a better job of being cruel to myself right now and I can't see myself as anything other than a failure for deep seeded reasons that I can't get away from. I do feel that something awful is going to happen in order to teach me a lesson for feeling this way.
I teach young children everyday and I work VERY hard at doing a good job. When I am outside of my profession I just turn everything around as being negative. Although I try hard, I always feel that I am such a fake and that I can pretend and if parents knew the REAL me they would demand to have their child in another class.
I think I know the answer-- I have to like myself more and ease up on my expectations of myself. I don't see that happening unless someone takes out part of my brain or any feeling nerves.
It is my choice and my choice seems to be to hate myself and distrust those around me and feel that I just am not going to get any better. I think this will be the last post because I don't like sounding so negative. I do it well to myself, but typing it in and knowing that others are "listening" just confirms it even more and it is really sickening.
Thanks for listening.
Sharon