loveaboy-First off, congratulations on your 17 year sobriety.
I am in a relationship with an ABF who is just finishing rehab and like you, have stood by him during his recovery. The road to rehab was a rocky one (we have been together for a year) and I was met with the same kind of hostility whenever I checked up on him especially if he did not come on line or answer his phone. We live in 2 different time zones which made for a lot of stress for me as I worried about his drinking. I'm moving in with him in a couple of weeks and know the challenges that we will face and the fact that both of us are in recovery together.
He once told me how he pushed everyone away he loved and I have been pushed away more times than I can remember but never wavered in my love for him. His D/A counsellor told him to stay away from any relationships for at least a year to work on his recovery - we talked about that but both of us decided to take the chance and walk this road together.
I've been going to Al-Anon since his last relapse and it has helped me a great deal - I am learning to accept - day by day - that his recovery is in his own hands, that I didn't cause his alcoholism, nor can I cure or control it. Believe me, it's hard some days to accept this but it's something I am working on daily. That and educating myself on alcoholism itself and how it affects families and loved ones. It's an ongoing education that is just beginning for me.
I'm sure that his recovery is bringing back some of what you went through with your own recovery which may in a way, help you understand the feelings and emotions he is going through right now. It's still hard though to be pushed away, to feel the hurt and bewilderment and anger at his behavior toward you.
Take care of yourself and your needs first while still staying supportive of his. There can be a cast of thousands there to support him through recovery but it's still a cast of one - him - who is in control of his recovery.