Howdy all
I'm having a bad day.
Background: I had a major (major, with pyschotic and dellusional elements, and suicidal behaviour) bout of depression last year. Lots of strong medication, and I was managing to get through each day, but only just. Then, I got pregnant! I'm thrilled that I'm pregnant, and its really helped me.
I still have bad days though, and today is a very bad one. Its my Birthday, and I suppose part of me feels angry that I, again, cannot have a nice birthday.
My OH always gives up smoking for New Year. He is usually still not smoking on my Birthday. This means that he never goes for a meal with me, cannot do any Birthday things, and generally isn't that easy to live with.
Because he is stopping smoking, he struggles with me. If I'm alright, he is alright. Today I was a bit down when he woke me up, and kept saying how I'd ruined his day off by being miserable, and how if I kept this up, he'd either go to work, or start smoking.
I know I should be more tolerant, I mean, I know what its like to battle against an addiction, but I just feel so 'got at' and let down. I mean, I've been seriously ill, and I'm trying to get better, I'm heavily pregnant, its my Birthday, and I've got to try and be 'strong' for him.
I feel awful with guilt, I had a 'slip' with one of my secondary addictions today, so now I've got to cover that up and deal with the guilt and shame without letting him know what I've done. I've got to pretend I'm fine
(And to top it all off, my Pyschiatrist has decided that because I was well enough to get pregnant, I must be cured, and is trying to discharge me from her service, despite me having been given no treatment yet. I feel like I'm being set up for a major fall once I've had the baby)