For all that I know drinking won't help, I gave in and drank a bottle of wine last Saturday. And of course, as I knew, it only made things worse. It was only one bottle and only one day, but am now on day three and still feel horrible anxiety - as bad as going thru withdrawals. Found out I'd have to pay my shrink - either for an appt or a telephone consultation - so will tell my counselor today and maybe can work it out between her and the shrink. Anything so I do'nt rack up another bill, as money is the biggest source of anxiety right now.
Am tired of feeling too hot, then too cold, then shaking all over, can't relax a bit or I'd just spend the day in bed. I've been trying deep breathing relaxation but it's just not happening for me. I am wound up so tight I feel like I'm about to explode.
Also worried and upset over youngest kid's refusal to consider moving back home from the nice neighborhood she's been living in for over a year, with the nice private foster mom who puts few restrictions on her activites and doesn't seem to be keeping very close watch on her. The whole idea behind this 'short term' break was to allow our relationship to 'heal', but she seems to be doing worse for herself than she was before she moved out. Very poor judgement and poor choices of friends, and her counseling sessions don't seem to be making much difference in her attitudes or behaviors. I'm at a loss, and my 'mentor' who arranged this whole deal, has temporary guardianship and doesn't seem willing to turn my parenthood back over to me.
Her reluctance to let kid move back with me shows she doesn't trust my abilities as mother, which is another source of anxiety, as i've always doubted my abilities as a mother.
I feel so awful I don't even want to leave the house but will go to counseling appt and lay it all out on the table. She'll be disappointed over my small slip, but not as disappointed as I am in myself.
I'm living on chamomile tea this morning but just feel SO WOUND UP!!
