Today I went with my "new" sponsor to one of the AA guru hot spots in Tahoe that I have shyed away from for over 4+ yrs due to the shame I've felt from being in again, out again, yada yada yada.
I was terrified to walk through the doors of this specific hot spot because I've been around for 10+ yrs and I'm humiliated and sooo fearful of "what they're gonna think" for being a chronic relapser.... If it weren't for my sponsor "making" me go - there's no way I would have! She asked me if I were
willing to do what it takes to walk through the fear and face it and ultimately stay sober. In my mind I'm thinking "I'm willing but just not there", at that particular mtg spot. Gee wiz, there's other mtgs here in town, my mind is telling me. But I told her, Yes! I'm willing to do what it will take and we went.
OMG, no lightning struck, no stones thrown, no whispering, of course about me!!!! It's all about me, ya know? It was great... and thank God, smaller than what I remember! Now that I went through the door, I can go back again.... probably not without support, but never-the-less I did it! It's been a huge cloud over me for so so long now and it's dissipating, finally.
Why is it we give others so much power over us? Why should it matter what others truly think when they're just another sick alcoholic too? Any thoughts would be welcomed on this!!!
