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**CatsPajamas** · 01-19-2009, 12:13 PM

Step 3 was so revealing for me... it's where I began to really comprehend how twisted my reality had become. The first 3 words in that step paralized me for awhile:

Made a Decision.

That's one of the things that brought me to my knees and ultimately to my own program of recovery. I couldn't make a decision if my life depended on it... and it did. I was terrified to decide. I couldn't decide what to wear, what to eat, what movie to go to. I couldn't decide anything because I was in a very toxic and volatile place where making the wrong decision had big, loud, ugly and sometimes violent consequences.

Compounding that problem was the fact that I had made my H my higher power. He was the ruler of our home and our lives. He made the rules and issued the edicts (which often changed daily, depending on the mood) and it was my job to see that they were carried out. It's not hard to see who the crazy person was in THAT household.

So, to work this step, the hardest part for me was to make a decision. I tried it, and it didn't work. My sponsor helped me to realize that I hadn't fully worked steps one and two yet. I had not yet admitted to my very core that I was powerless, and although I believed in God, I wasn't believing that a power greater than myself (and that the power was NOT my H) could restore me to sanity. I hoped it was true, but I didn't believe it yet. So, I went back to steps one and two and spent some time with them, and worked them. These steps are in an order for a reason, and I learned I had to fully work each one before I was ready to move to the next. I could peek at them, but I wasn't ready for them just yet.

After I worked on steps one and two a bit longer, I was ready. I took the action of getting on my knees and saying the AA Big Book Step Three prayer:

"God, I offer myself to Thee --
to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve
me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will.
Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear
witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and
Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!"

01-19-2009, 12:13 PM	#4 (permalink)
CatsPajamas Forum Leader Join Date: Aug 2002 Location: In my little piece of heaven Posts: 2,980	Step 3 was so revealing for me... it's where I began to really comprehend how twisted my reality had become. The first 3 words in that step paralized me for awhile: Made a Decision. That's one of the things that brought me to my knees and ultimately to my own program of recovery. I couldn't make a decision if my life depended on it... and it did. I was terrified to decide. I couldn't decide what to wear, what to eat, what movie to go to. I couldn't decide anything because I was in a very toxic and volatile place where making the wrong decision had big, loud, ugly and sometimes violent consequences. Compounding that problem was the fact that I had made my H my higher power. He was the ruler of our home and our lives. He made the rules and issued the edicts (which often changed daily, depending on the mood) and it was my job to see that they were carried out. It's not hard to see who the crazy person was in THAT household. So, to work this step, the hardest part for me was to make a decision. I tried it, and it didn't work. My sponsor helped me to realize that I hadn't fully worked steps one and two yet. I had not yet admitted to my very core that I was powerless, and although I believed in God, I wasn't believing that a power greater than myself (and that the power was NOT my H) could restore me to sanity. I hoped it was true, but I didn't believe it yet. So, I went back to steps one and two and spent some time with them, and worked them. These steps are in an order for a reason, and I learned I had to fully work each one before I was ready to move to the next. I could peek at them, but I wasn't ready for them just yet. After I worked on steps one and two a bit longer, I was ready. I took the action of getting on my knees and saying the AA Big Book Step Three prayer: "God, I offer myself to Thee -- to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!" __________________ What other people think of me is really none of my business!