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It's clear you've had a horendous background.
I'm sorry.
Have you gone to a counselor? The community college you attend should have counselors on campus. Please do go see one and talk to them. You need help. You are not living a full life. And you have a right to live one. Until your background is worked through, it's doubtful that you'll be able to.
I hope you'll make an appointment soon. You deserve much more than you're giving yourself.
Shalom!
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