[BehindTheMask]

Hello everyone, I just recently registered here. I found this site by following a link when I used google to search for something, and even now I dont know what quite to do.

Let me just explain myself, so maybe someone out there will understand whats happening to me. It's hard to write anything, i'm not quite sure what to write.

I'll try to explain whats happening to me, and then i'll give some backround of my past.

I feel like a chameleon, because I tend to not have a personality of my own. I emulate what I see in others, and what I watch on tv. I'm not who everyone believes I am, who I pretend to be. Deep down inside, I simply am not there, there's no one inside.

Im very good at acting, and lying. But in reality, I dislike/hate people, including family. I have a high sense of grandiosity and self worth, and generally feel that my needs are higher than those around me.

I look and dress like a normal, "cool" college student and if I'm at a party I can be the party favorite. I know how to talk to people and swoon them over easily, but underneath everything i'm doing is completely fake. Underneath, there's nothing there. Empty.

However no matter how good I am at interacting with people, I have zero friends. Not even one friend, i've tried but I don't see the point in friendship and generally lose interest in someone after about 3 weeks and cancel all contact with them. The only exception to this is my girlfriend

I have an attractive girlfriend, and I myself am goodlooking. We have been together for over 2 years, I have been lying and cheating on her for the entire time we've been together. Deep down inside she irritates me, and i sort of despise her but I deal with it, mostly because it fills the time when I feel like being around someone.

She believes i'm someone i'm not. The name she knows me as is not my original name, both first and last. Even my entire family history i've told her is false, even my ethnic backround. She's not dating the real me, she's dating a made-up person that I created. Just about every acquaintance I have knows me by another false name and false identity, but even looking at it now I logically know something is wrong, but I cant seem to stop and it's very easy to live the random lies.

When I met my recent gf, she was a virgin. very innocent, and barely had gotten her first kiss a month before meeting me. I have completely taken away all decency from her, and have manipulated her into doing almost anything I want. I first took control during the 5th month of our relationship; I created an online persona, and began talking to her through an online social network and an online chat program, used the persona to start to like me and got her to agree to meet this other person. After doing that I pretended, as myself, to find out that she had planed to cheat on me with some guy (who was actually me). She was devastated and told me she'd do anything to have me back, so ever since then I've basically treated her like crap, and I am generally mean to her but she takes it.

I have also talked to into threesomes with other people, and foursomes/couples. Since I dont really love her, it doesnt bother me when we have a threesome, i've even encouraged her to have random, yet safe, sex with guys she finds attractive. It doesnt bother me, in fact I enjoy it since she used to be very much the girl next door and a virgin. I can't help but enjoy sexually deviant things, most normal sex doesn't do anything for me.

There's alot more, I just can't think of anything more. Maybe later. Now onto some history, which I can barely rememeber:


I grew up very poor and my father was never around, and my mother was a drug addict and achoholic (it should be known that I do not drink, have not done drugs and have never been adicted to any substance abuse).

Most weeks we me and my brother and sister didnt have anything to eat, and the environment of the household was extremely gross; dirty clothes everwhere from what i remember, dog feces in parts of the house from the pet we had, roach infestion to an over the extreme level, dishes in the sink were disgusting and the water overflowed with rotten pieces of food floating. The list goes on, everything was disgusting, everything was dirty, and my mother was usually on drugs.

I don't hardly remember much past the age of 12, other than what i've just written. Only bits and pieces. I know that at some point early in childhood I was placed in foster care, I dont even know how old I was, it's just one flash.
I remember my mother being pushed through a screen down, falling on me by one of her boyfriends. And I remember vaguely being abused, beaten, by one of her boyfriends. The last memory I have is that one time my actual father came around during Christmas, bought me and my siblings toys, they were wrapped, and they were all under the Christmas tree. However, when Christmas day came, they were all gone; He had taken them back and returned them al while we were all sleeping, and then left again for another year or so. This was a continual occurrence with him.

me and my family basically lived like animals, for a time we were even homeless, living in an abandoned building. I remember feeling ashamed, dirty, and I had a general disgust for everything around me.

Thats about all I actually know of my childhood, beyond that I have no idea who I am and have absolutely no self identity. I've even changed my legal name and have forced my family to call me the new name, it's not hard for me since I have no self identity.

beyond the age of 13 becomes more clear to me. The rest is irrelevant, at 16 I moved away from home with my ex, she was 10 years older than myself and I had broken up her marriage, she was 26. I was with her for about 6 years, but treated her very badly, almost the same as my current gf, the same activities and whatnot.


Thats about it for now on that, if I think of more on this aswell i'll write more, there's more on both that what scratches the surface


I do not have thoughts of suicide, but quite often I do have fantasies about murdering my father, and a few other people that have made me very angry. Sometimes, it's all I think about at night; the different ways in how to kill them, or torture.

I feel like something is missing inside of me, something very wrong is going on inside of myself, and I suppose I'm writing this for some sign, i'm not too sure.

If you have questions, please ask me. I'l answer anything short of compromising my identity. Also I am looking for insight, and direction.