SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information - View Single Post - Step Study

JenT1968 · 01-12-2009, 05:53 AM

Thanks for this, I am unable to attend Alanon for the moment (although I’m having counselling) and would like to get into a habit of doing some work (although it would be better with a sponsor).

Step 1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable.

that our lives had become unmanageable.

Well, I never had any problems with admitting/accepting/broadcasting this one. My life is/was unmanageable, and I was shouting such at my H daily. Shan’t rehash the details here, none of it will be unique or surprising.

We admitted we were powerless over alcohol

The first bit though, that made no sense to me. Alcohol, to me, is an object like a cup: I admitted I was powerless over cups??? What???
Alcohol is a chemical, I can take it or leave it, have a sip or 5 drinks, whatever I decide. I used it at work daily as a biocide to disinfect surfaces/implements/my gloves in my lab, occasionally I had set it on fire as a fuel, I have used it to flavour sauces, I have used it to complement food, I have used it to ease my mood. It is my tool, like bleach, or a fork. Doesn’t appear to be much powerlessness there, and it certainly holds no power over me.

At my alanon group, I questioned this, and someone said that this was because we worked the AA steps and that for us it may mean something along the lines of “we admitted we were powerless over people/places/things”. Well, that incensed me. Why were we stuck working THEIR steps, why didn’t we have our own? ones that were properly meaningful for us instead of having to work extra hard trying to find meaning in THEIR tools. That felt like a reflection of the battles of my daily life anyway: all about him, and his needs, and his reality. I was soooo annoyed that I just dropped the idea of the steps completely at that point.

(apologies for the emphasis in the para above, It’s how I felt at the time: I was very angry).

I agreed that “powerless over people/places/things” was appropriate and grudgingly started to try and get my head around that (still seething over the wording of step 1 though). Intellectually I get it, and as far as H goes I *think* I am pretty much there, (although I also expect that in the future I’ll look back on this and see I still had a way to go: progress not perfection ).
I rarely expect anything from him, and am trying to make that never. My moments of surprise at the latest development are fleeting and more of an “ahhh, so that’s what you’re up to now” with a tinge of sorrow, than an incandescent rage of “how dare you???? How could you do that to me/us”. He sinks or swims on his own now and I no longer try to interfere or take on any responsibility for his relationships with work/friends/family, his money, his job, his health, his mind and certainly not his drinking. I look after me and the children, and I am choosing to stay for the moment, because every month that I do makes our future more secure financially when I do leave.

Other people though, and my children, I struggle with the powerlessness there. I recognize the truth of this but am not very good at stopping myself behaving as if I can change other people. I still have an overwhelming need to be liked, and I am stuck trying to make new friends because all I can see me doing is trying to manipulate people into liking me by being really kind, changing myself to how I think they want me to be or being inappropriately open about my mental health/life issues forcing them to feel sorry for me.

I also struggle with the balance of power/powerlessness of good parenting. I recognize what is unhealthy, but don’t know what to replace it with. Many of my (taught) parenting behaviours and language have undertones of shame-inducing or denial of people’s right to be (“don’t be silly”/ “stop being so stroppy”) or feel. I would like it if the world could stop for a bit whilst I learned to do things better.
So step 1 is very much a work in process for me, I may be here for some time. As for the wording, although it still irks me a little, I now accept that I am powerless over alcohol: I can’t change what it is or what it does: I can’t make it be anything other than alcohol: with everything that therefore entails.

01-12-2009, 05:53 AM	#29 (permalink)
JenT1968 Member Join Date: May 2006 Location: UK Posts: 270 Blog Entries: 1	Thanks for this, I am unable to attend Alanon for the moment (although I’m having counselling) and would like to get into a habit of doing some work (although it would be better with a sponsor). Step 1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable. that our lives had become unmanageable. Well, I never had any problems with admitting/accepting/broadcasting this one. My life is/was unmanageable, and I was shouting such at my H daily. Shan’t rehash the details here, none of it will be unique or surprising. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol The first bit though, that made no sense to me. Alcohol, to me, is an object like a cup: I admitted I was powerless over cups??? What??? Alcohol is a chemical, I can take it or leave it, have a sip or 5 drinks, whatever I decide. I used it at work daily as a biocide to disinfect surfaces/implements/my gloves in my lab, occasionally I had set it on fire as a fuel, I have used it to flavour sauces, I have used it to complement food, I have used it to ease my mood. It is my tool, like bleach, or a fork. Doesn’t appear to be much powerlessness there, and it certainly holds no power over me. At my alanon group, I questioned this, and someone said that this was because we worked the AA steps and that for us it may mean something along the lines of “we admitted we were powerless over people/places/things”. Well, that incensed me. Why were we stuck working THEIR steps, why didn’t we have our own? ones that were properly meaningful for us instead of having to work extra hard trying to find meaning in THEIR tools. That felt like a reflection of the battles of my daily life anyway: all about him, and his needs, and his reality. I was soooo annoyed that I just dropped the idea of the steps completely at that point. (apologies for the emphasis in the para above, It’s how I felt at the time: I was very angry). I agreed that “powerless over people/places/things” was appropriate and grudgingly started to try and get my head around that (still seething over the wording of step 1 though). Intellectually I get it, and as far as H goes I think I am pretty much there, (although I also expect that in the future I’ll look back on this and see I still had a way to go: progress not perfection ). I rarely expect anything from him, and am trying to make that never. My moments of surprise at the latest development are fleeting and more of an “ahhh, so that’s what you’re up to now” with a tinge of sorrow, than an incandescent rage of “how dare you???? How could you do that to me/us”. He sinks or swims on his own now and I no longer try to interfere or take on any responsibility for his relationships with work/friends/family, his money, his job, his health, his mind and certainly not his drinking. I look after me and the children, and I am choosing to stay for the moment, because every month that I do makes our future more secure financially when I do leave. Other people though, and my children, I struggle with the powerlessness there. I recognize the truth of this but am not very good at stopping myself behaving as if I can change other people. I still have an overwhelming need to be liked, and I am stuck trying to make new friends because all I can see me doing is trying to manipulate people into liking me by being really kind, changing myself to how I think they want me to be or being inappropriately open about my mental health/life issues forcing them to feel sorry for me. I also struggle with the balance of power/powerlessness of good parenting. I recognize what is unhealthy, but don’t know what to replace it with. Many of my (taught) parenting behaviours and language have undertones of shame-inducing or denial of people’s right to be (“don’t be silly”/ “stop being so stroppy”) or feel. I would like it if the world could stop for a bit whilst I learned to do things better. So step 1 is very much a work in process for me, I may be here for some time. As for the wording, although it still irks me a little, I now accept that I am powerless over alcohol: I can’t change what it is or what it does: I can’t make it be anything other than alcohol: with everything that therefore entails.