[winnie12]

First off I have to stop watching serious and sad things on tv. Last night I watched an Intervention episode about a young man with Type 1 diabetes who was refusing to take care of himself. I cried all the way through - the way this young man looked reminded me so much of how my son looked when he was first diagnosed with diabetes. For those of you who dont know - type 2 diabetics are overweight - type 1 are very skinny. When diagnosed my son was about 5'7'' and 90 pounds. I listened to the parents nag at their son (just like i have done) on whether he has tested his blood sugars or taken his insulin. I listened to them talking about finding their son passed out from blood sugars just like i have done. I heard them tell this kid that he was not going to live just like i have done. The kid was depressed and didnt care about himself at all just like mine. Show goes off and I cried and cried.

Then I turn on the news and they are talking about John Travolta's son who died from a seizure. My son doesnt have the same type of seizures as his child but still a huge nightmare situation for me is seizures becuase you dont know if they are going to come out of them when they have one. So I see this 16 yo child who is dead - and I cry and cry over my own 16 yo.

I've been trying so hard to keep my distance from my son. He has used his diabetes and my love against him so many times but I couldnt last night. I went to him and just held him and cried - all I said was I Love You so much. The funny thing is it was him who would not let go. We just stood there for the longest time holding each other. It felt so good to be able to hold him and tell him I love him but now... now what.... will this be held against me? It always has in the past and that's why I've kept my distance. I know i'm paranoid and projecting but its so hard to just enjoy a loving moment with an addict.

Tonight I'm going to only watch comedies on tv.