| Broken...
Tonight just did it for me.No excuses.No ‘reasons’.
I thought I’d done so well.8 months-longest I’d ever gone sober since admitting I’m an alcoholic.
But I broke from the inside out tonight and I just can’t seem to think of a reason to find my way back right now.
My mother e mailed me earlier today.She’s an alcoholic too-but never admitted it.
I have a history of being abused by her.It’s long and complicated and well-doesn’t matter anyway. She decided to choose today to tell me some things about my past that I just couldn’t handle.I’m not sure if she was drunk when she decided to do it-but it doesn’t matter.It hit home anyway and hard. I always felt so unwanted.Now I know why.Wow.I just cannot get my head around it.I can't.
I was doing so well.I was given 7 bottles of wine this Christmas from business clients.I hadn’t touched one-or even wanted to-until tonight. More fool me for thinking I was stronger than they are. I’m not.
I’m not special I know others here have suffered more than me.I am not whining or wanting sympathy-it’s never been my thing.But I feel like such a fkn hypocrite right now-given I’ve recently confronted a friend here about his relapsing.I have no leg to stand on and am frankly-expecting a beating.
It’d be fair enough.I just have to be honest though.
What my mother told me tonight was devastating-shook me to the core and while I have forgiven her much over the years-this?I can’t.It makes me want to just die(I won’t kill myself-promise-but that’s how I feel.I know the difference between feelings and reality.) I’m just reeling from a very hard truth and I’m not sure I can deal with it.
But yes-Im broken from the inside out and I’m drinking.And I’m hating her for it even though I know it’s ultimately my choice to be here drinking. I’m blaming her and I know it’s wrong .I know it’s up to me and I’ve failed.I cannot face this.It’s just too damn hard and I’ve done everything I could think of to make it better….to not be defeated.And tonight? I am.
For me?I just feel like my life dissolved and I don’t even know who I am anymore.I’m more than lost.I’m just….devastated.To the center of my being.I'm so lost.
I apologise to all who believed in me.I just can’t keep going like I was.
Jules
|