Hi to whoever is reading this
I am a 25 yrs old female and i have been sober for over 8 months and have been drinking for around 10 years. This is the longest ive been sober in my life. During the 8 months I have been working very hard on myself, trying to make myself happy and have been reading lots into buddhism and trying to change my life for the better. I have been out many times in situations where i used to get drunk and have felt proud when i get home and realise i havent had any alcohol and ive seen friends drunk and felt pleased that i wasnt like that. I have worked SO hard over the past 8 months.
But lately, i have felt empty, unhappy, like life is dull and flat and. Working on myself and trying to be happy doesnt seem to be doing much like it used to and i feel like my life is dull. Even when i do things like going out and socialising, i just dont feel like i enjoy it.
New years eve i went away to stay with a friend and allowed myself to be talked into drinking. It just felt like i didnt care about being sober anymore. "i feel depressed already, so what difference will having a few drinks make?" (One of the reasons i quit drinking was because it makes me feel depressed).
I am a very shy person and i have been trying so hard to change and be more relaxed without using alcohol/anything else, and i felt ok doing this in the beginning and felt really happy in the first few months, but lately, i just feel like i am fake, not being myself etc. And i really hate myself!! and feel guilt over every little thing. I just feel like such a terrible person and i dont want to be. I feel lately like the reason i quit alcohol was to stop these kind of feelings, but now i realise that i have them without the alcohol, so why not drink a little and enjoy myself more, than make myself feel more miserable by not drinking?
I had 3 pints of magners (cider) on new years eve from about 10pm to 3am. I didnt really feel the urge like i normally would to get out if my face, and i just stopped after my 3rd pint (even though i got bought a 4th...i just left it) because i didnt want to feel rough and paranoid and anxious and regret what ive done (how i feel the next day)........
i just wondered if anyone has ever quit drinking for a period of time and then been able to go back to drinking occassionally and say like that? I have only ever heard of people goimg back to drinking ans ending up as they were before. It was strange for me to want to stop drinking and its made me wonder if ive changed. or am i kidding myself? i honestly dont know. is all the effort i put in over the past 8 months wasted? or can i continue being sober and still be at the stage i was a few days ago or does it all the work have to start all over again?
has anyone else "fallen off the wagon" and have any advice they can share with me?
Thanks loads :-)