Quote:
Originally Posted by nthngrtboutme  Hi I am new and relapsed after approx 20 yrs of recovery.
I was bulimarexic before I got married. When I became pregnant and then married, I stopped cold turkey and never looked back. I guess I felt loved and a sense of responsibility to my baby and husband and self.
I got divorced - then a few relationships later, the last one to a demeaning addict, I ended up bulimic again.
This relationship ruined me on so many levels. I got counseling and went to Naranon but it hasnt stopped this rollercoaster of feeling like an unloveable failure.
The addict contacted one of my ex bfs who was abusive to me and decided it would be fun to terrorize me via emails and practical jokes. Part of the reason I ended the relationship is the immaturity of both of them.
I feel really bad about myself and feel hungry a lot. But even when i am not hungry i am angry at what a failure I am. i dont want to date or go out with friends anymore. After my marriage ended things got worse for me. I suffer from depression and anxiety but was doing well until I dated the addict. I started to get sick along with his illness. I had to get out of it.
I find myself angry so much now. I feel like a loser and useless and unloved. I wish I never got divorced seeing the kind of dating scene out there now. I dont even feel like trying anymore.
Counseling really didnt help - I tried but the two exes wouldnt stop harassing me and I felt more and more useless and hated. How could two adult men find joy in this? It worked. I wish they would leave me alone.
Please help me. I am so afraid. |
Hey there,
Welcome to SR~
I can relate to some of the things you mentioned, I was bulimarexic for most of my life. It's only been 3 years that I've had it mostly under control.
Haven't purged in a little over 3 years, which is amazing for me.
There are days like today when things happen that I wonder why I am in recovery, it seems like it was easier when I just kept everything inside
and ran my life the way I thought it should be. Then you don't get hurt.
People don't get to hurt you, or that's how I think. I decided to give in today but at the last minute stopped, because I could hear my addict mind start planning before I even started again.
My point (I think) is that no matter what is going on in our life, going back to our ED never helps.. You know it starts up a whole new set of problems, self loathing, that ED voice, lower self esteem, etc. What do you need to do to get back into recovery?
Those men who are giving you a hard time in reality have nothing to do with you. What people do is about them, not you.
Some people will use you as a punching bag and control you their passive-aggresive behavior if you let them. You don't have to let them.
You get to be the center of your own universe, no one else.
Your boundaries are yours to create. They are stepping over them
and into yours.
You said you wish you had never gotten divorced. Life is never over till it's over. I think you are selling yourself short. You can live a great life, it is out there.
Keep posting and Keep Talking, We're here for you!
