[CAPTAINZING2000]

DIARY OF A SNOW SHOVELER
December 8: 6:00 PM.
It started to snow. The first snow
of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and
sat for hours by the window, watching the huge soft flakes
drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses
Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again.
I love snow!
December 9:
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal
white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What
a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the
Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever
had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a
boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks.
This afternoon the snow plow came along and covered
up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to
shovel again. What a perfect life!
December 12:
The sun has melted all our lovely snow.
Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry,
we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on
Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much
snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow
again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man.
I'm glad he's our neighbor.
December 14:
Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The
temperature dropped to *20. The cold makes everything
sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed
up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life!
The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried
everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite
this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape
this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15:
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought
a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra
shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in
case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in
Alaska, after all.
December 16:
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on
the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The
wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
December 17:
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy
to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile
the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the
wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a
wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when
she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own
living room.
December 20:
Electricity's back on, but had another 14"
of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day.
freakin' snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor
kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey.
I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around
to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might
have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob
says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill
me. I think he's lying.
December 22:
Bob was right about a white Christmas
because 13 more inches of the white **** fell today, and
it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45
minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then
I had to ****. By the time I got undressed, pissed and
dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob
who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but
he says he's too busy. I think the ******* is lying.
December 23:
Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0.
The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this
morning. What is she...nuts??? Why didn't she tell me to
do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's
damn well lying.
December 24:
6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke
the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch
the son of a bitch who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him
through the snow by his balls. I know he hides around the
corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes
down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all
over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing
Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was
busy watching for the freakin' snowplow.
December 25:
Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the
@#$%^& slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling
makes my blood boil. God I hate the snow! Then the
snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit
him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have
a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch
"It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to kill her.
December 26:
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move
here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27:
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.
December 28:
Warmed up to above-50. Still snowed in.
THE BITCH is driving me crazy!!!

December 29:
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel
the roof or it could cave-in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard.
How dumb does he think I am?
December 30:
Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing
me for a million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife
went home to her mother. 9" predicted.
December 31:
Set fire to what's left of the house. No more
shoveling!
January 8:
I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they
keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?