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Ago · 12-29-2008, 12:35 AM

We all understand how you feel, we've all gone through this

When I "walked away" I didn't do it "because of her" I did it "for me"

In my opinion one option was healthy and took personal responsibility for myself, my actions, and what I wanted from life and what I was willing to choose as "acceptable" or even "normal".

The other option was full of blame and finger pointing and left me "sicker then a dog" for a long time.

Not to say I didn't bounce back and forth between the two after I left, but it helped me to think that way, to come back to this being a decision I made for me.

Practicing alcoholics will always choose alcohol over EVERYTHING else because they can't imagine life without alcohol, it's literally "incomprehensible" they lose children, jobs, relationships, and literally never see the cause and effect between their drinking and the consequences until they go into "recovery", not stop drinking, (nothing worse then an alcoholic that's not drinking with no program phew) but go into the "causes and conditions" in which case they are no longer "practicing alcoholics" but I digress.

Anyhow, I found it best to even use "fair fighting" techniques during the break up and even in the subsequent conversations that took place with her only in my mind.

"I feel ________"

Keeping the focus on me was healthy, it really was, super difficult, but it made it an easier, faster, healthier process.

"Blaming" an alcoholic for drinking and all of the behaviors is no different then blaming someone with borderline personality disorder, they are both sick, when I moved away from blaming I could move into the important questions like "How can I protect myself from this person?" and "How can I take care of myself?" and shortly thereafter to realizing she was in fact just a very sick individual and asking myself "could I forgive her so I can let go and move on", questions I wouldn't have time for if I spent all my time "smearing" her and being angry.

I guess my point is I needed to be angry in order to leave but in short order my anger became a club I used to beat myself up with, so I had to lose it ASAP once I had moved on.

I can't really see myself years from now still droning on and on about her you know? I left her to leave her behind not carry her with me, and I saw that until I "let go" we were "still together" in a very real way except it wasn't her "dragging me down" any more, it was me.

Good luck, I know it's difficult.

12-29-2008, 12:35 AM	#31 (permalink)
Ago Member Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA Posts: 2,173 Blog Entries: 3	We all understand how you feel, we've all gone through this When I "walked away" I didn't do it "because of her" I did it "for me" In my opinion one option was healthy and took personal responsibility for myself, my actions, and what I wanted from life and what I was willing to choose as "acceptable" or even "normal". The other option was full of blame and finger pointing and left me "sicker then a dog" for a long time. Not to say I didn't bounce back and forth between the two after I left, but it helped me to think that way, to come back to this being a decision I made for me. Practicing alcoholics will always choose alcohol over EVERYTHING else because they can't imagine life without alcohol, it's literally "incomprehensible" they lose children, jobs, relationships, and literally never see the cause and effect between their drinking and the consequences until they go into "recovery", not stop drinking, (nothing worse then an alcoholic that's not drinking with no program phew) but go into the "causes and conditions" in which case they are no longer "practicing alcoholics" but I digress. Anyhow, I found it best to even use "fair fighting" techniques during the break up and even in the subsequent conversations that took place with her only in my mind. "I feel ________" Keeping the focus on me was healthy, it really was, super difficult, but it made it an easier, faster, healthier process. "Blaming" an alcoholic for drinking and all of the behaviors is no different then blaming someone with borderline personality disorder, they are both sick, when I moved away from blaming I could move into the important questions like "How can I protect myself from this person?" and "How can I take care of myself?" and shortly thereafter to realizing she was in fact just a very sick individual and asking myself "could I forgive her so I can let go and move on", questions I wouldn't have time for if I spent all my time "smearing" her and being angry. I guess my point is I needed to be angry in order to leave but in short order my anger became a club I used to beat myself up with, so I had to lose it ASAP once I had moved on. I can't really see myself years from now still droning on and on about her you know? I left her to leave her behind not carry her with me, and I saw that until I "let go" we were "still together" in a very real way except it wasn't her "dragging me down" any more, it was me. Good luck, I know it's difficult.