[Juls]

Hi Running Free,

As I read your post, it was like reading about myself because I too have struggled with those same issues.

I really don't like to give "advice" so-to-speak, but I will tell you what has helped me. The first thing, and I (at age 48) still have to work at this, is acceptance. Acceptance of myself and all my idiosynchracies, my depressions, my self-sabotaging behavior, and any other negative aspect that I perceive about myself. The second is loving all those aspects of myself. Giving love to all that negativity that lives inside me. I don't know if this makes any sense, but in a way it's like a child who misbehaves in order to get attention. The answer does not lie in punishment of those acts but of seeing beyond those things to the individual that lies deeper and loving yourself not matter what. It's not an easy thing.

The second thing is learning to change the behaviors that are causing dysfunction in your life. But it's not always necessary to focus on the behavior. Sometimes I take a specific behavior and work on learning a new way to deal with something. For instance although I'm not a diagnosed bi-polar I do have these up and down mood swings, and one of the things I do when I'm up is impulsive spending. I'll see something I like and I feel that I have to have right then, I can't wait. I believe that this aspect of myself comes from not having anything nice or pretty when I was little. So now at 49 years of age I am learning impulse control.

When I get into a depressed mode where I don't want to do anything but sit on the couch and stare at the t.v. instead of getting down on myself and thinking about what an awful defective person I am, I give myself positive re-inforcement messages telling myself that that part of me that is depressed is deserving of love and I allow myself to feel depressed and give into it for a bit, but in exchange I make myself do something positive and that is good for myself like taking a walk. Sometimes I only go around the block, but I have done something positive for myself and I give myself credit for it.

Believe me it is not easy, and I have struggled with this for all the life that I can remember, but it has gotten better. I'm also on medication, and I'm sure I will be for the rest of my life and I accept that too. Acceptance is an amazing thing because when you learn to accept you don't have to waste your energy struggling against yourself.

I hope some of this is helpful to you, and you learn that you can love yourself and be good to yourself and it is o.k.

Juls