Hello there Fluxion, glad you decided to post
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Originally Posted by Fluxion  ... .A lot of posts were triggering things I hadn’t had to think about, for a long time... |
no worries, we all go thru that. When I first started working on my childhood it was definetly "opening a can of worms" and I also had all those old emotions come pouring out.
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Originally Posted by Fluxion ... I have been struggling with a enormous sense of guilt. I don’t think it belongs to me, but maybe it does, and if so, WHAT do I DO about it now?!!... |
As others have said, it's not _your_ guilt. You did nothing wrong, so you have nothing to be guilty of.
What happened to me is that I would be overwhelmed by _one_ emotion for awhile, even though the emotion was completely unrelated. Then I would switch to a different emotion, and then another. I went thru the guilty's just like you are, as well as sadness, anger, joy, etc. etc. Basically, I had "sat" on my emotions for so long that when I finally "opened the lid" it all just came out in a huge dump. Kind of like those over-filled closets they show on SitComs, when you open the closet door _everything_ piles out all at once.
As far as what to do with the guilt, deal with it the way you would with any other emotion. What helped me was getting involved in recovery meetings, you may want to check local meetings of al-anon, especially the closed, women's groups.
A _good_ shrink is very helpful. Obviously you don't want to have anything to do with that loser you already saw. Ask around at the al-anon meets for a _good_ shrink, then shop around several of them until you find one that knows what they're doing.
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Originally Posted by Fluxion ... .The part of me that is still a somewhat human, caring, morally responsible woman, feels tremendous guilt, about these, (and other), choices I’ve made in the interest of self-preservation... |
That's called "survivor guilt". It's very common with those of us who've been raped and abused as children. I had it really bad over my own siblings.
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Originally Posted by Fluxion ... But above all I feel ANGER.... |
Good for you. That's very healthy because it is an _apropriate_ emotion. If you're feeling anger then you are far more healthy than if you are feeling _nothing_.
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Originally Posted by Fluxion ... .WHY was it MY responsibility to “Do Something” about HIS behavior?!!!.. |
That one is called "Blaming the Victim". It's a very common technique used by pedophiles to protect themselves. It prevents other adults from taking action, because they can justify their own inaction, and it places the responsibility on those who are _unable_ to take action; the victims.
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Originally Posted by Fluxion ... I chose to save myself, in order that I might help my OWN children.... |
Protecting your own children _is_ your first responsibility. You are absolutely correct about that. You did the right thing there, no question.
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Originally Posted by Fluxion ... .And NO ONE ELSE pressed charges either. Why is that? Why did it have to be me? .. |
It did _not_ have to be you who pressed charges. In fact, as one of the victims you should _never_ have to press chargers. Never. You _should_ have been protected by the government, and by other adults. They failed to do that, and you took the actions you needed in order to protect your children. You had the strength to protect your children, and so you did the right thing by them.
Other people failed to do the right thing by _you_, and that is _their_ guilt and _they_ will have to come to terms with their failure.
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Originally Posted by Fluxion ... Bless you if read through this!... |
Oh goodness, of course we're going to read your post. We've all been where you've been. I think you are an amazingly strong woman and I think you should be proud of yourself for having survived and overcome so much hardship in your life. I am honored that you have chosen to join our little corner of recovery and help us build new lives for ourselves. If I had a Mom like you when I was a child, I may never have been raped.
Bless you for doing for your children what nobody ever did for me
Mike