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Originally Posted by winnie12  if he asks me to come home and i agree then he has to deal with it on my terms. they use our love against us - they use our empathy against us - they use our giving nature against us. Its not that we cant ever give to them - but we have to give on our terms not theirs.
The way I deal with it now is that when he starts whining about a situation I say "that's sad for you" "so what are you going to do" "yeah that sure sounds like its going to be hard on you." I dont give him advice on what to do to get out of it and I dont offer my help - I've done enough for him there's no way I'm offering to do more. If he comes to me and says he has a problem, needs my help then it gives me the opportunity to say yes or no - if yes then I can easily set boundaries. I say no a lot now and tell him he'll have to find out how to accomplish these things on his own. They want us to save them - they want us to go back to the doormat role so that they dont have to change or help themselves. |
You are so right winnie. If I ask/beg him to come home then it dissovles all of his responsibility to change anything (in his mind). Like you said if I ask him to come home then its like saying I accept you the way you are. Good Point.
I really feel like I can make it through this if I can "see" this behavior then I dont feel guilty or sad or want to help him because I can see what he is doing.
This am we got over 9 inches of snow. I dug my van out for 20 minutes. Braved the snow covered roads and I get to his house and he says "oh what you cant keep her (the baby) for a couple of hours?" I said that I have to go to work. When he shoveled a way to my van he opens the door and says "its a snow emergency" Ok ya but work doesnt close. I work in a hospital.
He was mad because his sister stayed home from work today and they fight. So he is mad because now he has to sit there with her all day. So he is taking it out on me because again in his mind its my fault that this is his life.
I didnt tell him to move in with his sister. He thought it was a GREAT idea. I didnt tell him to abuse his pills. He thought that was a great idea.
So as long as I can see the manipulation it is easy for me NOT TO WANT HIM BACK. Until he starts to make REAL visual changes there is nothing I can do for him. He has to do it for himself. That may or may not ever happen.
Thanks winnie. Your advice is sound. I see it when I look at it from your perspective......