[hopeangel]

hi all!!! my house has been up for sale since last spring and has not sold yet. i have been waiting waiting waiting, still living with AH. i have done pretty good at detaching the last year, but for some reason this time of year seems to bring a relapse for me. i think it is the winter and holidays, and such.

AH has been progressing in his disease. he has went to drinking hard alcohol after always being a beer drinker. he was literally falling down drunk the other night and got in his truck ran into the fence outside our house when he came back. he sleeps on a plastic lounge chair in the basement because he urinates himself. passes out down there. he has not been working. has been depressed, angry, and raging. he threatened suicide the other day stating he couldn't take it anymore. he came into the bedroom the other night switched on the light in the middle of the night. i asked him to please get out and he said "do you want me to hold a shotgun to your head?" he said this twice. i believe he was in a blackout.

the next moring i told him something serious happened told him what he said and he said he was only kidding and that he doesn't even own a shotgun. i have heard him saying how he wants one. i asked why? and he said for hunting. he has never been interested in hunting ever.

in good conscious i could not let this go on any longer so i called a father figure of his that i had talked to before. the man that took him in when his parents kicked him out. i told him everything from the previous physical abuse forward. he stated he would talk to him. AH knows i called him. he took it well and was calm about it. i expected him to be angry, i wonder if this will come out later?

keeping this a secret has not helped and i can no longer do that. really, i have nothing to lose at this point if he gets mad at me i don't care. i just want him to get help. i'm afraid for his safety and mine. i am also considering talking to his best friend about it. these are the only people that i know might help him.

my counselor had me call the rehab center where AH went to outpatient treatment and she wants me to call an attorney to find out what the legal ramifications will be if he does something to himself, someone else, or me. the rehad center really didn't tell me anything i really didn't already know expect get him when he is sober and try to convince him to go to treatment.

AH has seemed to calm down since then, has not drank since tuesday. we have talked about working on things. i've been supportive. i've explained to him how scared i am.

there is something i can't figure how to get around. we have not had sex for a year and he uses this as a power struggle. it is always, i'll do this if you have sex with me. i'll stop drinking or won't drink if you have sex with me.

i've told him that i need to see real change. that it will not happen over night. that i don't trust him and it takes time to develope that. i told him that his drinking or not drinking is not contingent on whether i have sex with him or not and that sex is not the cure for alcoholism (my counselor gave me that one). he uses this to turn it on me very effectively i must say and i don't know how to get out of it?

this is no way to live. now, i'm afraid to leave the house because of what he might do to himself, and also, if he is not working and can't pay the mortgage then i will have rent and a house payment, don't think i can make both.

any advice, support, prayers? swift kick in the butt? thanks.