[ANGELINA243]

Here is my dilemma--I am at the 10 month mark as of tomorrow ..technically speaking anyway. My sponsor had a chat with me briefly today--we both went to a treatment center today to bring the NA message. I have worked the 12 steps and have started working the traditions...I was just starting tradition 2...waiting for my sponsor to give me the worksheets....

Anyway--cut to the chase here...I am still very shy when it comes to public speaking..I work well one-on-one but for some reason I get anxiety when it comes to speaking in front of others. Well, my sponsor apparently had a talk with her sponsor about my situation..and how I am not currently sponsoring anyone. (I have given my number out but either no one calls or they call one time and I never hear from them again. )

My sponsor's sponsor told my sponsor to tell me that I need to start over at step 1....that by working the 12 steps I should be farther along that what I am--I guess more outgoing, sociable etc...dunno. I was hurt and felt like a complete failure. I am trying--I do service work in other ways..giving people rides to/from meeting, talking to newcomer, setting up chairs/making coffee before meeting..I do what I feel I am capable of doing..and really try to make myself available wherever needed.

I told her I might as well go and use if I have to start over....from scratch. I feel I have come a long way---have never made it through the steps before. This is my very first time working the NA program...I have tried other fellowships before..but didn't make it very far--maybe I just wasn't ready then. I was so angry, hurt, felt like our trust was somehow broken--I cried throughout the entire meeting at the treatment center...but tried not to let others see--I want to be a positive role model for the newcomer. My sponsor got in my face today--which she has never done before...never talked to me in that tone of voice.either..I guess she feels embarrassed by me...she did say that I am her first and only sponsee who she has successfully taken through the steps. Maybe that has some to do with it. But for her sponsor to tell her that..it just isn't right--I don't think...I have no idea who her sponsor is...I don't know if she even knows who I am.

After the meeting, I did manage to go to a few different groups...both NA and AA...and brought up my situation. Both fellowships said that made no sense..that I shouldn't be forcing my will upon others.....God will bring the person to me when the time is right...I am so confused. I did briefly think about using today--at 10 months sober--cause I felt that maybe I did someting wrong....like I let my sponsor down. It has been suggested that I might have to find another sponsor...by numerous people in both fellowships...but I don't want to run. Yet--I don't want to drink/drug either.