[runningfree]

[FONT=Verdana][COLOR=RoyalBlue] Wow, These new options are great and so creative. I feel like I've been to OZ and back with the loss of all the names and posts of people since Jan 19. I almost didn't sign on again, because I feel like I'm not getting better and I have realized that it isn't going to get any better unless I make it happen. I am not doing it. I feel like depression (if that is what I have) is like being addicted. I have to have the power to change it and if I don't then I am just keeping my habit going.

I am still trying to find a doctor since my previous doctor felt that my expectations were too high and I needed to make the changes through therapy rather than medication. It should'nt be this difficult to find someone compassionate enough that won't give up. I suppose I am a bit gunshy because if this turns out the same then not only will I have wasted the $2000.00 in doctor/medication bills plus what is going to come my way, but the whole year plus of hoping that something is going to make it better.

It is possible that some people are just prone to pessimistic, self defeating, low moods that they just can't pretend to be something that they are not. This could be as good as it gets and in order to be around others the pretending needs to take place because others don't want to be around a self defeated, low and sad person. It is not fun. "I am ruining the lives of my husband and my children" by bringing them down (quoted by my husband who is still sticking around but has delivered that message to me.)

My husband can't make me happy if I do not feel good about myself therefore I shouldn't put him in this position. I am recently just avoiding him and the kids and trying to not make problems. I took my children to my hometown for the Easter weekend and had lunch with 2 of my 3 sisters and my brother. Both parents are dead and we only see each other once a year. They all know I am struggling, but they were good and they didn't talk about it at my request. Visiting this area of my growing up years is so painful, because after 25 years I am still looking for something that I am not going to find. I am still the wanna-be kid that wants to be like everyone else. I missed my entire youth in a shell wishing to be something I wasn't. I can't bring back those lost years and at 44 I am still searching and trying to prove myself to all and most of all to myself. I am my toughest critic and it is not working. I am just staying afloat.
I have everything that anyone would ask for... A good career, beautiful healthy children, a husband that is ambitious and faithful and loving. We own a lovely home with a new pool and the works. I feel so guilty for not being able to be happy about these things. Many people can't say that they have these things and are blessed with the relationships that I have with my children and my husband. (He just can't handle anything emotional that he can't fix. I have to just turn the other way if it is an emotional feeling) If I don't like the color of the new chair that he just bought then he can handle that, but not anything emotional. I am being told that I have to live with this because it is just the way he is and my love for him will need to understand that this is his thing that he is not good at.
I do believe that I have rambled enough. I want to go take the dog running, but I can't seem to get myself to do it. When I am in this mood I get so self defeated and so stubborn on doing anything that could possibly make me feel good. It is a form of a self-punishment dance that I have become so good at. :boat