[hippyhippy]

I am feeling very reflective just now. I don't know if I like it. I have been thinking about positive aspects of my life in the past, that feel gone now. I am wondering if I had realised earlier that I needed help (well...I think I knew I needed it but wouldn't accept it) I might not have lost so much of me.

For years I performed in at least two fairly big amateur dramatic productions a year. I sang, I danced, I played the lead, I played the supporting acts, I performed in Edinburghs Festival several times, I used to tour the country doing exchanges with other dramatic groups. I even got to be on TV a couple of times AND got paid for it! When I began to tire of acting, I began to write comedy scripts which were performed, one again in Edinburgh's Festival. I got paid for a serious one too about teenage angst which was included in a book for secondary schools!

I was confident, even though I felt the anx inside, I could get over it and do what I had to do.
Yet...was I confident? Was I maybe high? When I went to college as a mature student, I got top grades in everything. Nothing seemed too much bother for me. When I left college, I was so confident in my ability that I turned down two blooming good jobs! One of them called me and practically begged me to reconsider!


Now......, I can hardly believe that I can get myself in such a state about attending a meeting with my employers. Now they want me to do a c**p job for c**p pay. Even talking to mums in the playground I struggle with. Parties I cannot do, if I ever got as far as a party these days I would crawl away rather than dance. So many things that even when well I find difficult. I tie myself up in knots about writing a letter to my employers, writing and re writing several times and STILL not having the guts to send.

What the heck happened to that confidence? I wish I had accepted years ago that I needed help. Maybe there wouldn't be so much of me lost. I reckon I have had BP at least 20 years. My first major depression at 17 stopped me doing all the performing that I loved and I failed in college first time round. I became paranoid that people were talking about me, laughing at me even all the people I called friends and loved. I lost all those friends. I became bitter and picked quarrels with them. I deliberately lost touch with any others as I believed they didn't really like me.

The long and short of it is it was suggested to me that I join a drama group. I don't know if I will but the idea of pretending to be someone else really appeals.......

Maybe this can be a goal? Maybe it is not actually 'gone' but just kind of 'suspended' Maybe I can find myself again?

Anyone else want to share good or bad memories of 'before' becoming unwell? Are you going to try to get it back or are you glad to leave it where it is?

Hippy

xx