Since everyone here has been so great about supporting me when I crash and burn - and end up wallowing in what seems like a pit of self-pity quicksand, I thought it was only fair to share the good stuff too.
The last 3 days have been very good for me. I'm not even sure what happened ... I was having a HORRIBLE time of it ... I couldn't even bear to read posts here - everything was triggering extreme sadness. I sort of just shut down.
My father called me on Sunday and invited me out for dinner - I wasn't going to go, but I figured I really needed to get out of the house. I got all dressed up ... and I looked in the mirror ... and suddenly, I FELT GOOD.
I had a great time out for dinner with my dad and brother - two of the greatest guys on earth ... and I felt so happy. I haven't cried since then (well okay today I got teary-eyed watching a baby show on tv but it wasn't tears over "him" or "us"). When I got home from dinner, I cranked some oldies but goodies and danced around the house. Then I took out my digital camera and took a few pictures of myself - it's the first time in a long time I've actually felt pretty and I wanted to remember that feeling. Every day since then, I've looked at those pictures and reminded myself of the good things about me. It's been so long since I've been able to look at myself and think good things.
There has been a shift in the last couple of days. I find myself thinking often that I haven't changed. I'm still the same person I was before I met "him". I'm a caring person, a giving person, I love animals and nature, I love to dance, I love to draw, I love music of ALL kinds. I'm a pretty neat person. When I'm happy - I'm a lot of fun to be around. I'm goofy and dorky. I'm smart and resourceful and I can do ANYTHING I want to if I put my mind to it. (Today I fixed the drafty window in the bedroom).
Somehow, in the mess, I managed to convince myself that all of the things I am, aren't good enough. That there was something wrong with me that he didn't love me. I started trying to change who I was ... I gave up so much of who I am just to try to convince him that I loved him and he could trust me ... even though he NEVER gave me the same effort.
When I think of things he's done - I don't feel hurt anymore - my first thought is "what an idiot" ... only someone with serious issues would do some of the things he's done.
Don't get me wrong - I'm still dreaming about him every night. Not a day goes by where I'm not reminded of something he's done. I still wonder if it's him calling whenever the phone rings. There are still reminders of him just about everywhere ... I just don't seem to care as much the past few days. Just today I found more evidence of lies and things he's wrecked and hidden from me. I guess there's been a shift from "what could have been" and remembering things he's said or promised, to thoughts of the stuff I just couldn't deal with - the constant disrespect, the lack of maturity/responsibility etc. and when those thoughts come, there isn't a huge pain - they sort of flit in and flit out ...
I counted out some change I had in my coin jar the other day and realized that I had over $50 in change - NEVER would have even made it to $1 if he'd been here ... and he'd have lied about taking it.
I've been avoiding the forums because I'm afraid to read anything that might trigger me and send me back to the depths of depression and I'm not ready to go back there yet ... so I apologize that I haven't really contributed to anyone else's threads lately. I'm quite certain that I'll be grieving again at some point but for now, I'm happy, I'm content and I want to preserve this feeling for as long as possible.
THREE DAYS AND COUNTING!!!
Just wanted to share this with everyone else ... hopefully people will read where I've been and see that even I can climb out of the abyss ... even if it is only for a few days.
