[JustMeInWI]

Four years ago, I met the "man of my dreams".

Two years ago I married the "man of my dreams".

Over time I began to feel like less and less of a person. I wasn't worthy of respect. I wasn't a good wife. I just couldn't "make my husband happy." I began to despair, thinking I must go on killing myself to try to please him and make him happy. My whole world was turning upside-down but I didn't know why. What was I doing wrong?

Four months ago he admitted he had a drinking problem. He was an alcoholic who needed help. He began attending AA. He began working the program. He stopped drinking. I began working on my newly realized codependency. We both began seeing counselors. So why weren't things all better? Happy and loving? I was being hurt more and more everyday. I cried nearly every day. I couldn't focus at work. I couldn't focus on projects at home. We argued regularly.

Four weeks ago I moved out of our house, my home. The arguments had begun to consume every interaction. Some lead to shouting and many hurtful words. I stayed with friends. I prayed a lot.

Three weeks ago I hired a lawyer and filed for divorce. I applied for my own apartment. I cried a lot more. I could see that my health (mentally, emotionally, spiritually, AND physically) required this. My sanity needed this. My serenity couldn't co-exist with my "real husband".

Yesterday I woke up to a very clear new understanding. The man I loved was not the man I married and lived with every day. The man I loved was "my dream." The "dream husband" was loving, considerate, and always there for me. The "real husband" was manipulative, abusive (emotionally and pyschologically), and very selfish. But I'd lived life everyday with the dream controlling my thoughts, my feelings, my reactions, even my memories. I rationalized and justified everything based on my dream. I wasn't loving my "real husband", I was loving my "dream husband". Somehow I was sure the dream was or would be the reality. This wasn't fair to either of us. I wasn't loving him. I was loving "potential" - some figment of my own imaginings. A dream. It was all a dream.

I feel the dull ache in the pit of my stomach, however I know the truth and it will deliver me, it will set me free. The ache in the pit of my stomach is there because "my husband" (the dream) has died, but my heart is still fighting against believing it. When someone really close to you dies physically, you are in shock. You find yourself waiting for them to come walking through the door or call you up and let you know it was all just a silly mix-up. But just like everyone else who’s lost someone they love to death, I know that won’t happen. And thus the ache deepens. Just like others, I need to pull myself together and plan the funeral and work through the process of grieving. I don’t want to put it off for too long, but I know I’m not ready yet.

So this is the start of the end. I will no longer live my life based on dreams for others, or based on their potential. I cannot love someone if I'm only after their potential. I need to love REAL people. Right where they are at today. Not where they could be (or where they should be, as my codependency says).

As I settle into my new apartment, I have a funeral to plan. I have to mourn "his" death. Grieve my loss. My counselor has suggested I write out a eulogy. Write all the great and wonderful traits my "dream husband" had. And just let myself grieve over each one. Accepting that "he" will never be there to fulfill those hopes.

If I can grieve, release, and accept this loss, I can grow and start to live my REAL life. And that is my REAL goal. I don't want to live in my dreams anymore. I want to be real and honest in my mind and in my heart every day and in every interaction.