I absolutely agree with Givelove about creating a "new" family, my family is here, my friends, my loved ones, and they are so special to me as to be indispensable and it was when I forgot that, and tried to "believe" my relatives were "my family" I hurt myself badly.
I was thinking about the past three years on the way to work today, three years ago I was a normal guy, had a girlfriend, my own little company, a great group of friends, and was a pretty happy guy with long term sobriety, i had my share of people that didn't really care for me, but generally speaking I was well liked, I had my share of "relationship stuff", I wasn't perfect by any means, but I was damned good for being male.
To re-use the "dog" analogy, after being with my family and then in this relationship, I really started acting just like a dog that had been beaten one too many times, I got mean, and I started "barking" if anyone got too close, and if you raised your hand to "hit" me, I bit, but here's where it got tricky.
Teenage boys play this game called "made you flinch" where they act is if they are going to punch their friends in order to see if they can get them to react, and if they do they "made you flinch" thats very much what my relationship with my family and xagf felt like by the end, even if they "made a sudden movement" I would "start barking" and maybe even "bite" but the truth of the matter is I hadn't been "head shy" (like a beaten dog) before I got involved with this woman and my family.
So when it was all over, I felt really bad about some of the things I said, and some of my behaviors, and it has taken me awhile to forgive myself especially for the parts where it appeared I "bit" and "barked" for no reason. They hadn't "done anything wrong" but I was so beaten and headshy I couldn't even see straight after years of being "beaten".
It's taken a number of friends, writing, journaling, a sponsor, reading and posting here, and reading about being in a relationship in abusive relationships to start to "let go", my friends were all saying, well Andrew, "this is what you looked like in an abusive relationship" others were saying "Of course you were acting out, you were in an insane asylum (see twelve monkeys/Brad Pitt) and the literature was saying "having an emotional response to abuse is
NOT "abuse" even though the "abusive" partner is going to tell you it is.
This is why I can't get involved with sick people, I don't ever want to act like a dog that has been beaten one too many times, I never want to "bite" anyone again, for any reason, it just makes me too sick.
Today, I'm a "normal" guy again, beginning to date a "normal" girl, I have a great group of friends, I'm generally well liked and I'm pretty happy.
I don't "bark" or "bite" any more, and no one "beats me" any more, I've absolutely gone back to being that "dumb as a box of hair" Black Lab that just wants to go to the beach and play in the waves, not only that...
I went over Orviskes list...the man she is looking for? I went over it with a girlfriend of mine, one that knows me pretty well, the list that everyone was all /sighing over.
100%
/big grin
I will never give my "power" away to another human being again.....ever, life is too short.
Here is my gift to all of you for making that possible:
YouTube - Kind And Generous