I don't know Janie, I really don't
When I got sober I really had a lot of delusion and denial, working the steps helped, but it took me nearly ten years to "really" "get it" to understand how much my actions affected others and to realize the impact of my drinking and behaviors and the damage it caused to those around me, I am still learning more today as I address my codependency, and even now I am prey to being delusional and self centered and need others in my life to help me "see" things but truthfully I believe that is a normal occurrence now after many years of being in recovery, all great "spiritual" leaders live a transparent life and seek counsel with others, if it works for them it can work for me.
My "qualifiers" on the other hand...I seriously don't know if they believed the things they said....I really don't, sometimes they seemed to be like a little boy whistling in the dark telling themselves they weren't really afraid, sometimes saying truly awful things about me in order to avoid taking any sort of responsibility for their actions, other times looking at me right in the eyes and lying to me when I literally had "the evidence" (in one instance in the form of a receipt) right in my hand saying, "It's not a lie, it has nothing to do with you, how DARE you question my integrity???"
All I know is it was "crazy making" and alcoholism is a form of insanity, and for me, and this is absolutely for me, was I was unable to remain "sane" in an insane environment.
One thing that was absolutely true is when I "threatened" an alcoholics status quo the "fallout" was horrific, they lash out to protect their disease and denial in amazingly hurtful ways, this includes my mother, my sister, and my XAGF, If I "threatened" their "way of life" or their denial the retaliation was instantaneous and severe, very severe, They would "punish" me badly, hurt me very very badly if I brought any sort of attention to their behaviors and asked for any sort of accountability and then when I "reacted" whether by being "weak" and breaking down and just losing it and crying, or getting angry, they would point the finger at me and point to me as "the problem" and one thing they did was constantly work on keeping me in that state of being "destabilized". I realize I allowed it now, But I literally didn't know how to "do it" any better, I kept thinking if only I tried harder, was more loving, was more patient...if only if only I would "love them better" but I failed miserably, and was stuck being miserable.
Today I realize I am only responsible for myself, but I AM absolutely responsible for myself, my choices, and my state of mind.
Today, the truth of the matter is I had to walk away, I realize that they are very sick people, but the disease of alcoholism is infectious in many ways, and the only way I have to keep from getting sick that works 100% is by removing practicing alcoholics from my life, total abstinence from sick people, the same way I don't pick up a drink, they are both equally dangerous to me and my sobriety, emotional health and spiritual well being, I'm not strong enough, smart enough, brave enough to be around such mental illness without getting sick myself.
Today I don't care if they believe their own BS or not, it's no longer "my problem" or even "my business" wondering about what they meant and what they were thinking and why they did what they did was one of the things keeping me sick.
That's just me, that's what I had to do for myself.