I couldn't live with myself either, janie, if I were like that. You seem like a very nice lady. But alcoholism is just a horrible thing.
You say in your other post you have no family........do you have brothers, sisters, mother, father, someone somewhere? I separated from my alcoholic family for a long time and so I felt really all alone for a long time. My choice was either that or stay in the insanity of alcoholism. It turned out I made the right choice and I have faith you did too. Al-Anon meetings helped me a lot too ---- what I seemed to have to do is build my self a "family of choice" of people who would support me, and Al-Anon & other support groups were the first step in that.
Hugs,
GL