[Aysha]

I have been trying to get a procedure done that will greatly improve my health and depression.
I was denied in March because of what I did to myself last year and was told I was nowhere near mentally stable enough to undergo the procedure. I really let it get to me. I guess thats why I went on a total destruction path not too long after. But I went back in October and the Dr said he can see a big difference in me and that he is going to consider it as long as I be evaluated by their pdoc and keep showing improvment. I saw their pdoc Wed and he says I am a good candidate. He thinks alot of the things like depression and things I have done were caused by my using. I knew that already. And he says he will approve me. BUT I HAVE to quit smoking cigarettes or I will not be able to have it done. And I have to stay quit even after.
This kinda freaks me out. Honestly. Quitting smoking seems alot scarier than quitting drugs.
Its like all I have left to keep me sane.
I know thats not true. but it sure feels like it.
I feel panicky at the thought of not smoking again.
Its like my security blanket right now.
I tried twice already since Wed to stop and it lasted a day. I couldnt handle it. I got really cranky and on edge.
But I try to think of the wonderful benefits of this surgery. How much it will help my health and the pain in my knees and back. Also it will help me feel better about myself and I am sure get rid of this depression I get sometimes when I look at myself in the mirror.
And Having to quit smoking is a great benefit too. But I feel like thats all I have left to enjoy.
And honestly I dont even enjoy it. I smoke cause it calms me. Its familiar. A crutch I guess. It just feels like this is going to be way harder than the drugs.
I want to quit. But now that I HAVE to ..It is more intense.
I will be heartbroken all over again if I screw this up.
I have patches. But they are just sitting collecting dust.
Why am I so freaked out about quitting?
Anyone else feel like that?
2 of my aunts who smoked like chimneys just stopped one day and havent smoked in over a year.
I am going to have to do this. Not only for the procedure. But its something I have been wanting to do for awhile.
Not to mention..I will no longer be able to eat like I do ever again after this procedure. Thats another thing that is like overwhelming.
But it will be so worth it. To me anyway.
Its all a very good thing. All of it. But geez. I am so use to tearing myself up. All my pleasures are being stripped from me.
Thx for reading. I just wanted to vent.