[sugErspun]

I must say - I was in and out of rehabs, AA..I was dry, then drinking : people said I was an alcoholic..I said I was an alcoholic. But I couldn't get well..I could not stay stopped or enjoy the times I was stopped fully.

I can write this off to poor sponsorship, or bad meetings or any other number of things. The fact is - I went to meetings, studied the big book for six years and couldn't have told you what AA defines an alcoholic as until I went through it as a text - with a teacher who experienced what AA says is possible. When I started with my sponsor he told me the following: "We are going to approach this with the assumption that we don't know if you are alcoholic or not - and this book is going to help us find out." I had to consider that maybe I wasn't alcoholic just as much as I had to consider that I am.

I know people who were active in AA, put together many years sober (one person 10 years of meetings - service...very active in AA). Went through the steps again at 10 years and has returned to normal drinking (no loss of control) for the last 5 years. Once in awhile having a drink here and there. Used to be a gutter drunk - now has moderated. This used to peeve me a bit - like they were some sort of fake, but the truth is - they were the hard drinker and fearlessly went back and faced "Am I really an alcoholic" 10 years away from a drink - to find out that they were not.

It was just a phase of hard drinking that cause a lot of trouble. I am positive this is not an isolated incident.

Thank God I have a working definition of what an alcoholic (vs hard drinker) is today. Before that - I always thought I had some sort of mental weakness or just didn't try as hard as those who quit when the going got tough. I found alcoholism inside me - not because of the amount I drank, or the physical, emotional, family, friend, work, relationship pain it cause - that is all outside circumstance. Inside me - my body, my mind, my spirit.

A singleness of purpose (alcoholism) needs to have a definition of what alcoholism is, right? It is not my job to qualify or disqualify anyone based on opinion. In the qualification of alcoholic - I don't look at the terrible things that have happened as a result of drinking, or the lack thereof.

Open the book. Discuss experience.

Can you relate? Does this make sense? Can you control the amount you drink when you start - every time? Have you ever lost control of the amount you drink once you started? Have you sworn off, just to 'change your mind' later? Why do you think you can't stop? Why do you think you can't stay stopped?

Are you tired and want to get well?