[rudeawakening]

Thanks Jurneyman,

My depression goes way back to childhood and throughout life. I have found that when the actions of other effect my well-being, I withdrawal and cut off ties with not only the offensive people, but the people that have an association with them as well (mutual friends).

I sometimes feel my self worth ties in with my accomplishments.
I have accomplished my goals in life and I can look back and see that it took dedication and sacrifice as well as discipline. This has carried me over the last 10 yrs more or less and while I felt a sense of purpose, I also did it alone.

I no longer feel a sense of purpose, I feel like I'm just here.
I am finding myself struggling with the ways of modern society.
Everywhere you look is crime or violence.
The internet, a wonderful place to learn and reach out about anything our hearts desire, only to be used to expose the ugliness hidden within human nature.
You cannot even turn on the TV without some type of drama, violence, cruelty or how our kids are becoming heartless monsters.


I no longer feel secure with the direction of this country or the economy.

They say laughter is the best medicine, but when I listen to today's comedians I shake my at the witless jokes that don't even make any sense. What happen to the intellectual entertainers that made you think, that respected your intelligence..?

I feel like my mind is dieing a slow death cause by the lack of stimulation.

I took a quick look at your previous posts, and noticed that you've also had a recent break up with your g/f and are an ACOA. Those things, compiled with the economic recession the country is experiencing, (which councelors say is causing stress at very high levels in the population), your personal disappointment in the election and business problems and the change in the seasons/clock can add up to problems for the best of us. If you have a tendency for seasonal depression, (seasonal affective disorder -- SAD - brought about by the shortening of hours of sunlight), to begin with, these additional problems could definately put you over the edge.

Thank you but I am quite aware of all this already.

There are many ways to deal with seasonal affective disorder. But, I do suggest you make an appointment with your doctor first. Only a doc can diagnose you. But, there are light boxes available that are supposed to work wonders. And of course, taking care of yourself physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually are always important. Medications and therapy with a counselor are also available if needed. With some of the issues with which you are dealing, it may be a good idea to talk to an objective trained listener.

Yes I'm aware of all this as well, but I'm afraid that I'd go broke before some quack would do me any good.

If you have really read what I had said in previous posts, you would have realized that what I'm doing is releasing (what I call) the toxins that is poisoning my soul. I am using this site as a way to release cleanse myself.

Do you think anyone in their right mind think that people with some type of issue really bare their souls to a therapist or anyone else for that fact in person ?

I agree that we all have pasts and it amazes me when i hear people say "get over it"... unfortunately its not that easy for some of us. I don't think people honestly intentionally hang on to their pain, but at the same time its this very pain that make us who we are, who we become.

Do you really believe that I would even dare say half of what I have said here on this site to someone that knew me ? You're fooling yourself if you think I would.

Ever meet someone with a above average IQ but isn't intellectually educated ? I look at him every day.

I was one of those kids that teachers would say was gifted or had the ability to be more, but they never figured out how to teach me. My parents response was to punish me or criticise me for not doing better.
I suffer from ADD, slightly dyslexic and I was hyper sensitive before I learned to control my emotions.

I have gone through half my life struggling with lack of self-worth until I realized its not my fault for my past short comings. I was never taught how to cope with a lot of things in life which has lead to a lot of trial and error on my part. I have learned to work around a lot of this and have succeeded in many areas in my life.

Looking at what I have accomplished, places I've seen and things I have experience despite the challenges I've faced in my past, only makes me question why the hell am so depressed, why I'm sitting here in my chair totally unmotivated.

This site allows me to cleanse the ugliness that hides in the corners on my soul, to evaluate myself, my situation and my next course of action.

I need to find myself again
I need to regain my sense of humor