[nandm]

Let him tell you about it: "I was much impressed with what you fellows said about alcoholism, but I frankly did not believe it would be possible for me to drink again. I somewhat appreciated your ideas about the subtle insanity which preceded the first drink, but I was confident it could not happen to me after what I had learned. I reasoned I was not so far advanced as most of you fellows, that I had been usually successful in licking my other personal problems, that I would therefore be successful where you men failed. I felt I had every right to be self-confident, that it would be only a matter of exercising my willpower and keeping on guard.

In this frame of mind, I went about my business and for a time all was well. I had no trouble refusing drinks and began to wonder if I had not been making too hard work of a simple matter. One day I went to Washington to present some accounting evidence to a government bureau. I had been out of town before during this particular dry spell, so there was nothing new about that. Physically, I felt fine. Neither did I have any pressing problems or worries. My business came off well, I was pleased and knew my partners would be too. It was the end of a perfect day, not a cloud on the horizon.

I went to my hotel and leisurely dressed for dinner. As I crossed the threshold of the dining room, the thought came to mind it would be nice to have a couple of cocktails with dinner. That was all. Nothing more. I ordered a cocktail and my meal. Then I ordered another cocktail. After dinner I decided to take a walk. When I returned to the hotel it struck me a highball would be fine before going to bed, so I stepped into the bar and had one. I remember having several more that night and plenty the next morning. I have a shadowy recollection of being in an airplane bound for New York, of finding a friendly taxi-cab driver at the landing field instead of my wife. The driver escorted me about for several days. I know little of where I went, or what I said and did. Then came the hospital with unbearable mental and physical suffering.

As soon as I regained my ability to think, I went carefully over that evening in Washington. Not only had I been off guard, I had made no fight whatever against that first drink. This time I had not thought of the consequences at all. I had commenced to drink as carelessly as though the cocktails were ginger ale. (Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous chapter "More About Alcoholism")

The insidious insanity of the first drink is a subtle insanity. It is not that we are suddenly struck stark raving mad, that comes later, but this insanity waits quietly and patiently in ambush for us. When our guard is down, it rears its powerful head. Seemingly out of the blue, we get the idea that a drink or two would be a good thing. We remember the pleasure of drinking and forget about the overwhelming craving for alcohol. The memory of the pain and anguish that drinking causes is somehow subdued to the point that our insane desire for alcohol overpowers our sane resolve not to drink.

Our inabililty to permanently resist the temptation to drink is the proof that we have an alcoholic mind. Despite the consequences and despite a sincere desire to stay away from drinking, the person with an alcoholic mind will eventually return to drinking.

But there is a solution. The first chapters in the Big Book present the evidence that we are hopeless apart from divine help. We are then presented with the solution----a program of action that allows us to awaken spiritually and to a new, successful way of life.