This is hard for me to put out here…so be nice.
Quote:
Originally Posted by mattcake79  ...I decided that I was unwilling to let myself down just because a bunch of boorish knuckleheads don't like the fact that I'm gay. On occasion, I've been forced to tell this to people in no uncertain terms. I simply refuse to apologize. |
Matt, I really wish I had your resolve, confidence, and self-esteem. I’m only out to a handful of people and where I’m living at I’m totally in a shell.
I wish I could simply just be me. To tell the truth, I’m not really sure who I am. It’s not the being gay part that’s holding me back. It’s me.
I’ve never been confident in anything that I do. ANYTHING. I get fear that paralyzes me at times. I get afraid to make friends. I get afraid to find a new job. Sometimes I just don’t want to go out in public because I don’t want to be seen by PEOPLE. That’s one reason I’m on SR so much. It’s easy to hide…
It’s taken much personal effort to try to become more assertive. I put forth this illusion that I’m a confident person. I’m not. Not even close. I’m passive, emotional, and sensitive (…hard for me to see that about myself. It hurts.).
I’m always afraid of what people might think of me. This isn’t limited to how people might think of me being gay. This runs the gamut from “beauty” to “intelligence.” As much my logical side realizes how ridiculous I’m being, it is not strong enough to override the overwhelming sense of fear.
I don’t know what to do. I’m tired of being afraid all of the time. I’m tired of the fact that I have no one to talk to. And I’m tired of being alone.
Anytime I mention my insecurities about being gay in society to gay people (not at SR), sometimes they put up their defenses and seemingly take offense to my own personal experiences. When I talk about my concerns, can’t people just listen and NOT use it as an excuse to twist it into something that reflects upon themselves? What I want to say to them is that this isn’t about them. This is about me. I am the one who needs help. They are already at a magical place (even if they can’t see it). They are confident people.
I see so many doing want they want. They plow ahead and don’t fear rejection or failure. I want to be like them. I so desperately want to be like them. Something about my mental wiring is preventing me from doing this and instead is causing me to be…well…me (oh yeah, and a raging acne problem that won’t go away doesn’t help, either…).
This has been going on for all of my life…far too long for me. Any much longer and I’m afraid I’ll drink myself to death. I want the confidence I so definitely deserve. I’ve always felt like I’m standing alone in a vast field far removed from everyone. I don’t fit in with ANY group. Sometimes I find solace in that, but usually it leaves me depressed. Maybe I need to be on meds.
Anyone out there who had low self esteem, practically zero confidence, was constantly afraid of what people thought, and yet somehow found a way to overcome all of that crap and live an “out loud and proud” fulfilling life? I know…pretty tall order. Sorry this is so long. Please be gentle. I’m very fragile.